|Back from Nowhere|
Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself. I mean, I guess I just don't feel like I have much of an identity. A lot of people find (what they think is) their identity in their family, their friends, their work...
I feel like a stranger in my family. Except for my youngest older brother, Jeremy, I have nothing in common with them (2 more brothers and a sister). There's such a gap between us...I was just out in Connecticut for my newest nephew's 1st birthday party. I was really excited...I hadn't seen him since he was able to roll over and now he's running all over the place! But then I was spending time with my brother Tim, and my sister Maria...and it's so awkward. I have more in common with their children.
I have no friends. At least, not here. Well, I sort of do. I've known this one girl my entire life...we lived next door to each other since we were born, and now we both live in the Buffalo area. We've seen each other twice in the last few years. She's coming to my wedding. But we have such different lives now and we never see or talk to each other, so I don't feel like I can tell her anything really personal or important. As far as friends I have that are just not close enough to hang out with...well....I really only have 1 that I would talk to about personal/important things...and he's probably reading this entry. But the bastard lives too far away!! Grr....
My work *sigh*...most teachers I know live to be teachers. That's who they are. That's all they want to be, to do. I hate my job. Maybe it's the school....I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to work...ever...I'd love to win the lottery and not have to work another day in my life. It's not that I'm being lazy...it's just that I take everything too seriously. When I have a job, I sink into it....and it takes up all my time. Ask Pete...during the school year, all I do is work for work. I get all stressed out...I can't sleep anymore because I'm always thinking and can't shut off my brain...I become absolutely NO fun at all.
So, in my quest to figure out my identity, I randomly decided yesterday to start making lists about myself. I started 2 lists, and I'm sure eventually I'll make more. The 2 that I have now are "Fears" and "Loves"
Fears: being alone, people, new places, spiders, dark, fire, storms, talking on the phone, going places alone (though I did go grocery shopping alone today!!), malls, driving in the snow, any animal that can kill a person, death, losing the people I love, growing up, growing old, forever, planes/flying, oceans, childbirth, motherhood, making mistakes, change, failing, responsibility, love, loss, being forgotten, being remembered, hurting people, bridges, hospitals....I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've gotten so far.
Loves: cookies, french fries, dolphins, rainbows, music, books, rain, color, photographs, the sound of walking on gravel, Christmas, soft pretzels, movie love, cartoons, babies, puppy faces, comfortable clothes, comfortable beds, drawing, coloring....
Any insights, anyone?