Finals week is near. I'm ready to be over and done with it and start my new life.
Got together tonight to study with some friends. Didn't really study, ended up talking. Some how got on to the topic of bad relationships and from there they started talking about rape. Any other time I would have been okay, but I locked up and just sat there pretty much starring at the ground doing my best not to cry.
Today was 5 years to the day that I was raped, for the first time. I still remember everything about that night down to what I wore. Just thinking about that makes me nausious. I was over at a guy's house; him and I had been seeing each other. That night he wanted to take things into the bedroom and I didn't feel like it, but he didn't seem to care. The worst is how he would come into were I worked looking for me from time to time. I know I should have reported it, but my word against his. I blame myself for it still to this day. My parents didnt want me to hang out with this guy and I didn't listen. I felt it was punishment for not listening. I've gone to therapy and done it all, but the guilt never goes away.
After that I graduated high school and went off to college. I delt with things by drinking and trying to be the fun, party girl. Got into partying with the wrong crowd. I remember valentine's day 2004, some of us drank, a lot. I decided to walk back to my dorm room. One of my "friends" decided he'd help me back to my room. He knew I liked him too. We got back to my room and talked for a bit. I know I gave him a good night kiss and told him that he should probably go. Next memory is I see him on top of me. Next morning I wake up, naked from the waist down. I knew what happened after I saw the used condom in the trash. With the police around here, they would have chalked it up to "buyers remorse" and I didn't want to deal with all that. Stupid me, again.
So, sitting there tonight, I felt like I had to fight crying. I really didn't feel like sharing it all, and it was weird how that topic came up tonight. I'm sure they could tell since I was probably acting weird. Now here I sit, all alone, dwelling on the memories and the past. As the tears fall, I still can't help but to blame myself....
