well i hav'nt wrote in ages. i've had another 'emotional' few months. those few months where my depression goes really bad. it think it's depression but the cause is my crazy pschylogicol proplems that i can hardly understand. have you ever hada feeling of pain that's so bad you can't cry. it's more than tears. i feel so trapped and i am falling deeper and deeper into ......... i don't know, depression mabe.

i am probably not making sense to you and that's because i am just writing down everything i need to say. i am trying to explain this to myself as well as you readers. (please ignore any spelling mistakes cause i am angru and i am typing fast)

here we go:

my life is completly messed up. i don't know what to do anymore or whre i am going or why i am here. i need help. NOW. i can't keep living like this. i want poeple but then i push them away. i feel like no-one can get me out of this and i don't even know what i am in. i feel so lost and confused and i can't find myself. also, people always tell me about god, tell me to get on with life etc. i already believe in god and i can't get on with my life without sorting this out because this ruining my life. i will never forget this and how i suffer even when i am 50 years old. this will stay with me forever and i bet half you don't even know what i am talking about.

please, please listen to me if any of you know a realy shy person who seems to be un approachable and far away. pleae etalk to them and help them because they could be like me. to the people reading this please don't tell to talk to someone about this because i have tried and tried that before and no-one ever cares. i hate hate hate hate hate living like this and being me. i hate everything about myself. I HATE ME. i want to die. god please just take my life right now because i really don't have purpose here. i don't know what to do with myself. i am going crazy. what should i do. please make all this pain stop! someone PLEASE!!

TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BRUNG ME DOWN AND STOPED ME FROM ACHIEVEING, TO  EVERY ADULT I TALKED TO WHO DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN, TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT I HAVE PRETENDED TO BE MY FRIEND MADE ME FEEL REAL GOOD AND BROUGHT MY HOPES UP JUST TO CRUSH ME BACK DOWN AGAIN. I HOPE YOUR ALL PROUD. WHY DON'T YOU SLL JUST TAKE A BOW BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED AND YOU MIGHT NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.                                                                                                                                         

and to all my readers, if i don't write back in here in less than two months, then i am buried 6 feet underground with a whole in my head and i am being seriouse here. i have had enough. i can not do this anymore. the lies, the hideing, the sick feeling in my stomach when people talk to me, the desperation to make just one friend, the desperation for someone to hold me- just to hold me and say they love me. i am really, rally angry right now and i needed a place to just type aggresively and get it out. pheew! i got it out at last. (sorry about spelling)