* Some of the root canal is finished but they stopped because they couldn't find the third root. Now I have to see a specialist this Wednesday and get it over with. I was suppose to go today but I freaked out and moved it to Wednesday instead. I hate when the phobia takes over my mind like that. It's the damn needle that scares me and the tools they put in my mouth. I hate everything about the dentist and I don't have strong teeth anymore. All my dental problems began when I was 17. Before then I had healthy teeth. No cavities...no nothing.
* In February I mentioned that I found my dad or he found me. I planned to move to Texas with him and I was beginning to really like him. It was good having a relationship with him and finally finding closure. Well, I knew it was all too good to be true. I'll explain how we started to drift apart and now.
Apparently he got into a fist fight and broke his hand. I thought that was a little scary but I brushed it aside and told him I'll come down to Texas for two weeks and help him out with the diner. Now this was when the swine flu started. After I sent him the e-mail I went onto CNN news and it was talking about a flu that was spreading. I read all the articles and started getting the clue that traveling isn't a very good idea right now. Also it started in California and Texas.
I sent him another e-mail telling him that I won't be coming to Texas because of this flu. I promised to come once it is over. I told him I have a feeling this will take a while since it is becoming worldwide. Well guess what? He thought I was making the whole swine flu up and using it as an excuse! The way he was acting reminded me of a 12 year old boy. That's when I was beginning to have doubts and thinking that my mom and grandparents were probably right about him. Why does he want me to come down to Texas so bad?
There was always something nagging me but I would put it in the back of my head. I went out to lunch with my grandmother and Larissa one afternoon. I mentioned to them that I change my mind about going to Texas next year. They asked why and I just shrugged. I was scared to share my opinion. Finally my grandmother says, "I think it's odd that your father talks to you about his relationship with his wife all the time and also his sex life. I think he wants to get down your pants." THERE! She said what I was thinking and I was so fucking relieved.
I went through all the e-mails he sent me since February and I showed them to Evan and Larissa. They both had serious expressions on their face and Larissa told me that it does sound like he wants to have more than a father daughter relationship. Evan agreed and I agreed. It makes a lot of sense. He is always calling me, texting me, e-mailing me, for no apparent reason. He would do this all day too. He even asked about my sex life with Evan! He was always asking about Evan and it was strange. The whole entire time he wanted sex from me. Wow. My own father wanting to have sex with me. That makes me feel comfortable. *shakes head*
I stopped talking to him but he still continue's to e-mail me...like 6 times a day. Now he tells me he is coming up to NJ. Oh great! Now I don't want to involve the police or anything like that. I'll have to casually ask him when he is coming so I can stay with my godparents in Somerset County. He knows where I live and where I hang out but he doesn't know about my godparents. Somerset County is connected to Morris County but where they live is far and their house is hard to find.
I can't believe this. I talked to my mom and she told me she also had the feeling that he would be wanting sex from me. He does ask about her a lot and he even told me he still loves her and that I am beautiful like her. So when he rapes me he is going to imagine I am her? Damn. I don't want to have to go into hiding when he comes but I can't let this happen to me. I was raped once in the past and I am finally over it. But my own father doing something like that? I doubt I would ever be the same again.
I never thought much of incest in the past but lately I been reading true stories on it and it's sick and scary.