|How Not To Get Married|
I'm finally home. Josh and I came home last night because it was swelteringly hot at Stephen's place. I wanted one more night sleeping in Stephen's bed (I really am a crazy stalker! - It gets worse), but Josh was melting and I was too tired to argue with him, really.
I came home and was immediately miserable - tired, lethargic, itchy all over, hot flashes, congested and dizzy. Maybe it was psychosomatic, but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to something in the house, because I really felt (physically) wonderful at Stephen's house. [In response to Malacai Six, I went to Stephen's house because I was pretty desperate to find out what's making me have vertigo. I'm not denying that it was convenient for my ulterior motives in any way, but I really didn't have very many options on where to go.] So the good news is that I have begun the narrowing down process of what's making me have vertigo. The bad news is that it's something in this house. Josh and I both think it's mold, so we went and bought an air purifier today. It seems to be helping, but it's too early to tell. And it's friggin' loud!
The bingey news is that I've been eating ALOT. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've also been smoking too much so I'm really getting smoking cravings again. Meh. Need to finally quit once and for all, I know! It's just such an integral part of my identity. I don't know how to give it up. It gives me those five or ten minutes or peace and quiet a day that I so desperately need.
I worry about my weight more than I let on. I've been worrying about it a lot more since Josh started getting all concerned about losing weight. I would be mortified if he got skinnier than me, and it's not like he'd have to lose that much to do it. So I did something stupid and ordered the Pink Patch online. It's like some sort of diet patch you put on you and it gives you energy and curves your cravings. Anyway, I have 6 days' worth, so I'm going to try it. Hell, maybe they even work.
I can't get over Stephen. I know that I should and that I probably have to, but I keep having these crazy thoughts like I can somehow force him to like me. He told me flat out that he's not interested in me as anything but a friend and the his weirdness is just because I'm a girl and he hasn't been close to many girls. He told me I'm the closest anyone's gotten. So he's not interested. And I keep digging around for hope and jumping at it wherever I find it because I just don't want to give him up. It's probably not even him, just the idea of him - just having someone whom I can fantasize about to escape my (sometimes) crappy life. I don't know.
Before I left Stephen's house, I took the shirt he lent me to sleep in, sprayed my perfume on my sweaty neck and chest, and rubbed it on the shirt. I then laid it on his bed. I hope he comes home and finds my scent all over his bed. He told me once that he recognizes where certain women have been by their perfumes, so I imagine he'll recognize mine. Who else would be leaving their scent in his bed?