I wrote this to my friend Not Mr Right this morning and thought "wow-this sounds like a blog entry"... so here it is... He came back with the advice that I expected to hear : basically, fix what you don't like - read everything, go to the gym, etc- and focus on yourself, everything else will fall in place.
I am feeling better though I've been trying to figure out why I haven't had a single actual relationship since Hermit & I split. It's been almost 3 years and nothing. Yes, a few dates, a couple of flings, that really wonderful long-distance friends with benefits thing that I had going on with D for a while, but nothing I would call a relationship beyond a close friendship. So, I'm wondering if it's just because it's been such an emotional roller coaster? Is it because I feel terrified of getting close and getting hurt? Is it because I could stand to lose 50 lbs? Is it because I don't feel like I'm as smart as I should be for the kind of guys that I'm interested in? Is it just because I haven't been going out places where I would meet someone new? Is it just because I haven't met a guy that's really good enough for me? Or are my standards too high? Do I put off "leave me alone" signals? I mean, except for the occasional loneliness, I really like being single and independent and not having to deal with anyone's crap and only having to worry about myself.
I'm stuck in a spot where there's no one that I'm interested in for anything resembling a relationship and the intern that I'm interested in for a fling is apparently not interested in me... blah. Torn between wanting to just go get laid vs not being willing to sleep with someone that I just met and not having a friend that I think would be a viable "friends with benefits"- except that some of my married friends have made it clear that they're interested in a little action on the side with me and I can't believe that I've even considered that as a possibility. I've got a lot going on in the next few weeks though, maybe I'll meet somebody.
I cancelled my subscriptions to match & yahoo personals because that was not working for me so I was tired of paying to not meet anybody decent, but I kept the free one on okcupid- for now. The guys that contact me via personals usually start asking about my body in the first or second mail (or line of chat) or like 2 of the guys that came up on chat last night around 11, essentially said hello, how are you, and can we get together now. Um, NOT. I guess they assume that if you're on the personals late on a Saturday night, you're desparate and looking for a hook-up. If that's really all I wanted, I would put on something low-cut and head to a bar or a gym on base :) where at least I can see the person that I'm considering.
I know I just need to work on myself and be patient. I'm planning to start college in the spring and spend more time in the museums in the area and at fun stuff like Renn Fest that interests me. C invited me to a couple of poetry readings which sounds interesting and may be a good place to meet someone but they've been on nights that I've had plans already. Plus he's still technically my supervisor until I'm done with LDP in a couple of weeks, so hanging out with someone who has influence over my assignment and promotion just doesn't feel right.
Wow- guess I was wordy this morning. But I guess the bottom line is that I'm doing okay, I was just having an "I can't believe it's my birthday and there's no birthday sex happening any time soon" moment. Plus I knew that I was going to have to see Hermit the next night at Philosopher's chorus concert and I hate having to deal with him.