|Learning how the world works|
So attempt two was a failure. Yeah everybody sighs and feels bad for me and all that whatnot but that happened a little over and hour ago and I'm completely recovered (ok maybe not totally). I'm ready to move on and this time has zero drama, that is an accomplishment by itself. Yeah it hurt and yeah I'm kinda bummed but there is a whole world out there for me to try my hand at. All it really too was the "I told you so"s from Kalan and Hannah and neither of them can really tell me what I did wrong because I did get what I wanted. We're close, why should I ask for the drama of a relationship? Since I'm not head over heels trying to win his heart anymore I can actually start thinking for myself again (I never realized I wasn't). I'm just trying to figure out why I changed, if it was because it was something that made me happy or if it made him happy. There are some changes I've made that will stay put for sure, such as my sunglasses I don't know exactly why but my eyes are very sensitive to light (I haven't really experimented with my skin). I like my general appearance as it is for the most part. It's not happy go lucky I'm so happy but it's approachable too so that's a plus. My favorite color is still DEEP purple so that is still going to stay as is. I do like darker stuff but accented with color the best example I can think of is a belt I saw at Fred's (The one I own currently is going to fall apart any day now and barely holds my pants up anymore). It was black and had little hearts and crossbones of different colors :). I also liked it because I could tell that it would hold up longer than this one :).
When I discovered my feelings I couldn not figure out why I wasn't done with him after so much heartache I went through. The only conclusion that I could come up with was that I wanted a chance with him, a real chance, I don't know if this was that chance or not and if it's not I don't think I'll get one but I'm fine so long as nobody makes a big deal out of it. We're still friends all he really said was here's the line you're not getting anymore than what you've already gotten. : \ I really don't mind I'll live there's no reason not to.
I think the reason I don't hurt as much as I did last time is because I did hurt so much last time. When I was in the middle of that whole thing I thought I must be an idiot because I didn't learn anything but I've found that I did. He told me that last time I acted with more "passion" in other words I was throwing myself at him because I was that desprate. That's what hurt me. If I don't act so dramatically there is less of a mess and the pain is short and dull. I don't think I've lost emotion, I've just learned when to hold them and when to fold them. I just feel bad because I moved in so fast and didn't really give him a chance to recover before he had to deal with me : S
So before the rejection we were talking about the Twilight Series. Now don't worry I'm not a fanatic like the rest of the world is about this book. It gets way too much credit for a bed time story. My main reason for distaste is because this last year somebody tried to get our HONORS (I swear the standard for honors has loosened) English Teacher to let us read if for a book report. It's a bed time story and nothing more I will leave my opinions at that. So he was telling me why he bought Twilight and Eclipse and not New Moon which ended up being a bit touchy for him. Since this was before the rejection my hopes were still pretty high because I considered us pretty close. So he was telling me this story and two fingers on my left hand went numb (like the tingly kind of numb). I say this because I have experienced this feeling a few times before, the first time at girls camp (that I can remember) and some other occasions which don't come to mind. In the past this sensation has taken over both of my hands and if I remember right it started moving up my arms at girls camp. Those who know me know that I've never really enjoyed girls camp and I rarely go anymore (I will this year to see if the new camp director is any good). I got this feeling my second year when my camp director was making my life more than miserable. Fortunately I had a leader who was a friend to me and my dad was there to essentially do all the labor we didn't want to do. I do believe it was the second day up there and I swear our camp director had PMS. I was in a tent with her daughter (a dancer) her daugther's friend (another dancer) and two other girls from my ward who are like chameleons and become whatever their environment contains (so basically dancers). I am not a dancer, I used to dance but I quit because 1. I didn't get along with anybody and 2. it caused too much drama. So I was under a lot of stress of clashing with nearly everybody around me. Finally I just broke down my dad took me away from everybody and I just cried my eyes out. Eventually the leader I got along with came over and tried to help but all I could really do was cry. They offered to try to get me in a tent with people I got along with better and all that such and such but I just kept crying. Before two long I got the tingly feeling in my hand and I flipped out because they would not move. Finally my leader left to go talk to our camp director or something and my dad just took me on a walk to collect myself. The next morning I left claiming I was sick, and I did feel a little sick but I'll usually just tough it out but I just couldn't with all the clashing going on. Anyway so this sensation just comes along when I get really distressed over dissapointment or jealousy or I really just don't know exactly yet but I found it interesting. So neither of us have fond memories of the Twilight Series. Mine would take place in the middle of all the drama during the school year. It was between lows on our little roller coaster and I was the middle man between him and my friend because she had the books and he wanted to read them. So he was on Eclipse and he was taking a bit longer than desired so Kat and I would try to poke him along to get it back so someone else could read it (Kat is the book dealer). Then somewhere in there we hit a low point and I wasn't talking to him and I just wanted to spit in his face and I can't recall why anymore. Kat was still telling me to get the book back so I just thought "Fine I'll tell him one more time but then I'm not talking to him, he's not part of my life." So just one day in band (I don't remember if it was early morning or B2), he just walked by and dropped the book on my stand without a word. When I gave him the book he nearly tackled me but didn't because of the reaction he got last time he did. It wasn't his fault it was mine and I take resposiblility for it. The point is that it reminds me of that terrible roller coaster.
One last thing that I'm rethinking. I'm not sure of my nature. I'm not sure I'm what he thinks I am. Yes I show quailities of one but there is one vital characteristic missing. I do not enjoy blood. Never have. So maybe I'm just a mutant or maybe I haven't fully developed but I think I'm going to give my previous life a second chance, if it doesn't work out I can always go back.