I couldn't think of a title, so thought I'd use the title to the song am listening to as a title. So listening to no one really wins by copeland at the moment. The title really seems to fit how I'm feeling at the moment too. I've been thinking a lot lately. Whats new!!
I'd said to myself a few months ago that it was time to end it all. I was ready. It was what I was going to do. Everything was planned - when, where, how. I'd planned it that I was going to be dead before my dancing show. Things changed though [wont go into it now, too long and too painful] but things have changed. I'm not set on the idea of suicide anymore. But it's the show next week. All I keep thinking is that if I'd gone through with it, I'd be dead now. I'd be free. It's a strange feeling. I don't know how to describe it. In a way I wish I had gone through with it. I wish that I wasn't here, and that what happened didn't happen. But of course, it did, so here I am. Left. Floating. Not knowing where to turn. I have no where to turn.
I thought about telling my dancing teacher. She knows I'm depressed, and she knows I've SH'd in the past. She doesn't know the extent of it all though. But even then, what would I say? Oh yeah, 'I feel shit because I may have been dead now.' or I'd planned to be dead right now, but I'm not. Argh. It wouldn't work.
I don't feel real at the moment. Life doesn't seem real. And I feel so alone with it all.