As I said in my diary description...i am going through some interesing times in my life. I dont really even know where to start explaining. I guess to better understand me i should go back and give a little background about my self.

I never dated much in high school...i just liked to hang out with my friends, they were all head over heels for guys. My friends were all much cuter that I was. I had my share of crushes, but the guys werent really into the smart girl that wasnt very cute, when they could get her best friend who was cute. I did have a couple of serious boy friends thought.

When I got to college it was pretty much the same deal. I flirted and partied with the guys, but I never really dated them. Durring the fall of my second year of college I started dating my best friend. Its a long story, that i might go into some other time. For now the important part is to know that she and I ...yes I said she...were together for about a year and a half. It was an interesting relationship that started just as weirdly as it ended.

i went a few years and again, went back to hanging out with friends and not being interested in dating. I figured everything that happened with her was just a phase and i moved past it.

A few months ago, i started having feeling for my best friend. She is the kind of friend you know you want to keep for life. We have had out ups and downs, but she is very special to me. As time went on and we got closer, i realized i was falling for her. It took a lot for me to keep it from happening. She is about 10 years older than me, and goes for the tall dark and handsome kind of guy. We would find our selves having conversations and things would be said that might be able to be taken a different way...i always just kind of laughed it off, but yet the thoughts stayed in my mind.

I tried to drop some subtle hints that i might think of her as more than just my best friend, but they were always either taken the wrong way, or she just completly missed them all together. The last time I tried to being it us, she though I was saying I was uncomfotable with things. She though I was mad at her about something.

About a week ago I finally gave in and told her what i was thining. well, actually i kinda tricked her into telling me what she though about it. I basically just asked her what she would think of it. She told me she had though about it to, but she was so confused she didnt know what to make of it. We talked back and forth about it a little bit, mostly in text mesages. It ended with, if the time felt right sometime, we would go with it and see what happened.

She was here to watch a movie the other night. It felt right to me, and I went with it. She didnt do any complaining...I took her back home that nightm and that was pretty much it. Two nights later we were wathing tv and...well, you know where this is going...

I really like her, I know I love her, and I might even be falling in love with her. I am afraid I am pushing her into something she is not sure of though. How do I make sure I dont pressure her? How do I make sure this is what she really wants? Like I said, she has always been very special to me...but now...it more.

We work together at a department store..lots of people there know i dated a girl before, they do not like that. We both know, for her protection, its very impotant that people at work dont know that there is anying going on between us. I dont even know what is going on between us. Basically, right now, I think its just sex with no strings attached. Atlease until she can decide what she wants.

I am afraid things will never be the same for us. If she decided this was all a mistake, how does she ever look at me the same again? How can i possible preserve what we have? I cant lose her...