Joshua has very irregular sleeping pattern due to autism. Sleeping is not easy for him. There are times he just falls over the chair because he fell asleep at school. Few days ago, my dad said why should we send Joshua to school for full-time when he sleeps at school and its waste of money. My dad just added another source to my piles of anger. My mom calls me close to midnight just to tell me to wash the kids' face or their arms and legs like I keep them dirty. She also blew up the secret to dad about us moving in February. It should've been kept quiet until the business festival is over which is on Sept 8. I clearly told mom that don't tell dad about it until then and we will tell dad ourselves. My mom is not very good at keep things that I told her not to tell to dad and caused a lot of problems before. She lies to me very often. Only reason I told her was that she kept pressing on me by saying she knows we'll move and made me feel sympathetic toward her. I even said I'll buy her plane tickets when she wants to visit us later. The other day, my mom went to Korean/chinese restaurant with my brother's family. I called her to see where she was because Elizabeth was looking for her and my nephew. I asked her where she was and her reply was why are you asking. She wouldn't tell me. I said because I want to know so if Jays could drop Elizabeth off at her house. She said she'll pick her up later so I said forget it that its almost nap time for her anyway. She lied to me about going to Chicago with them few months ago. There are many more cases that she lied to me. I dont know why she does it.Whatever she lied about, it wouldn't have bothered me one bit. I have no problem with her doing or going with muy brother's family and whatever else. With all things in the past the my parents hurt my feelings and my life being revolved around them slowly falling apart. The image of parents supposed to be are shattering. I feel like I don't have a family - parents or brother. My dad fought with mom that my mom bought some clothes for my kids. My mom complains about spending money on us after she buys things. I don't take them for granted, but they sure make me feel like shit. My dad has a lot of money and he's rather use it generously on his business. I don't need his money. I'll build my life without their help. I don't want to be here. My brother is happy that he may be the sole heir to their assets. This family is messed up. I'm struggling to pay up the Joshua's tuition when spending few 10 thousands of dollars isn't really an issue for dad. Our luxury is to take the kids to McDonald or Burger King once a week. I want to go out to drink but I'm pregnant. There isn't really way for me to release my emotions other than writing here. I try to read Bible or listen to sermons, but I'm not so good at keeping my church life so well these days. I can't wait to lose the weight, pretty myself up again, go back to education, and get a job one day. For now, I have to forget myself and 100% dedicate to my kids. 31 years old is not too late yet, right? Or even 32 or 33... I do feel old and its sad that time is going so fast for me. I just want to be happy. I wish I don't think about my ex either. I want to curl up in a room and just sleep and cry for few days by myself.
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