I haven't written in so long...I don't even know where to start...so I'll just skip everything that's happened and focus on right now.
First of all, both of my parents are fucking crazy. I know it sounds like the typical teenage nonsense when they disagree with their parents because they're teenagers, but that's not exactly what I mean...
My dad has always been a little unpredictable. He has some anger issues and can get quite scary, but it's been better. My mom has always been the more laid-back one, but she's a bit controlling and a tad manipulative, to say the least.
I always get into fights with my dad. Now, when I day "get into fights," I mean he gets mad at me and makes up reasons to justify his anger. However, I've never gotten into a real fight with my mom before. The only time there has ever really been conflict is if I'm a little too snippy with her and she gets upset if she's PMSing.
For some reason all of a sudden my mom started not trusting me anymore and got even more controlling. She gave me a bedtime...I like how she thinks she can tell me when to go to sleep as if I'm actually going to be able to fall asleep that early. She told me it was because I was just sick for a week and I needed to sleep more so that I would actually be healthy (at this point I was all better with the exception of an ear infection...). She must think I'm the most unintelligent person that she's ever known. The reason why she stated making up crazy rules was because she didn't trust me: she thought Kim was sneaking out at like 3am for a few nights because she swears she heard the front door. Bull. When I called her out on it she tried to deny it but got really uncomfortable and awkward, as people do when they get caught in lies. The best part is that after she ended up storming out of my room, she acts like everything is completely normal. Now she just has this hint of literal insanity about her...I'll admit it's scary.
I realize that I sound like an annoying teenager, but that's why I'm writing this on here. I can't actually talk about it. Not really. I don't know why. My mom's house has always been my refuge from my dad's house. Now neither is safe. I don't feel like I belong or am actually wanted at either house. Both of them are crazy about custody (I switch houses every day) but it's not because they actually want me there, it's because they don't want to other to win. They hate each other. They can barely talk to each other and even 99% of that is via email. I don't feel at home anywhere...it's not a first for me...but this is to a different extent.
I know this sounds really cheesy, but the only time when I actually feel safe is when I'm with Kim. Right now I'm not allowed to sleep over at her house or have her sleep over at my moms at all (my dad is always really sketchy about it). I've been having nightmares...violent "realistic" ones (the situations of course would never really happen, but it could happen). I don't even remember what they were about now...that doesn't matter. I just wake up terrified. I've never been afraid of the dark, not really. But now I'm terrified of everything at night. Even just sitting in my room (lights on) with no one else awake in the house scares me. I don't know what's wrong with me...but I can't do this every night. I don't feel safe anymore. This is getting to me way too much.
On a brighter note, I cannot wait for college. Hopefully I will be going to American University. DC feels so good. The fact that Kim will most likely be there too is even better. I'm really glad she's really going to switch to interior design. It's what she really wants to do. She just lights up when she talks about it. It's the most adorable thing ever actually. I know she wants to do psych too, but she can always do both. I don't like seeing her stress out about school and grades and everything. I just want her to be happy. She deserves so much more than this. I really think this is going to be a positive step for her. Hopefully it ends up really happening.
I'm going to apply early admission to American. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do if I don't get in there ha...that's probably not good...oh well. I can't see myself anywhere else.
Kim is...Kim. I cannot describe the closeness I feel to her. We were already so close, but recently it's just become ridiculous...in an amazing way of course. She's perfect. It's going to be so nice to actually live near her (and of course not have my parents in the way of everything). She asked me if I would want to spend the summer with her (when she has a place in DC and I'm in college)...and honestly I can think of nothing better short of having a house together.
God I miss her so much.
Sometimes I worry about being so close to her. Of course I want to be as close as possible, but I just worry that something is going to happen and someday she won't be there anymore. Whether I would drive her to that or something uncontrollable would happen I don't know...I just know that something can't happen...not now. We're already too close. I know I'm not supposed to be dependent on other people but I don't think I could do it. Not right now at least...but I'm not exactly in my usual mindset either...
This is already far too long and now I'm just making things worse for myself...
On one last, lighter note; I love slam poetry. I know I've said this before but it's just so...captivating. It pulls me in, farther than I thought possible by a poem. Writing it is my favorite part. I've written and performed one poem now. Reading in front of even just a small group of people made me higher than any art has. I want to write more...I need to write more...I think I'm addicted. The problem is that I keep trying to write but I'm stuck. I'm not sure if I'll be able to write anything as good as the first one...but I need to.