Whats love? Baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me no more. Gotta love those lyrics. but that subject has been on my mind a lot, love that is. i have never felt very strongly for anybody before. of course loving your family is a given, you have no choice in that. I love my mom, like a mom, id be there if she needed me. same with dad, sisters and brother. but honestly i am not a very outwardly emotional person. i like keeping feeling inside. the only string feelings i have ever felt before are anger and those times are brief flashes, sadness like when bean or my grandmother died, and that's pretty much it, yes i automatically knew that i loved my nephew, Blake. now i am wondering what constitutes that love. do i trust him> well not really he doesn't talk and i have nothing to put trust onto him for. yes id save his life and no matter what i will always be there for him. i guess there is just different types of love. there is the family love where you kinda love them no matter what, you just may not like them at all times. then there's the best friend kind of love, like oh of course i trust you with most of my secrets and i like being friends, but what does that cheesy i love you kind of love that you see in the movies feel like?

i am starting to wonder if my feelings for Matt are too strong. i believe that is why i have been thinking about this quite a bit. so what is that kind of love? do i trust him wholeheartedly? yes of course, but i have known him for almost 6 years. he doesn't know that i trust him, but he knows nearly almost all my major secrets, he knows my fears and i know his secrets and what scares him most. do i think about him all the time? well kinda, i guess, well, yeah, looking back at the other entries... i kind of look pathetic. haha. but i wonder if that isn't just infatuation and besides i don't know if he thinks about me like that or of this is just fun for him. besides we have only been a "couple" for a little over two months. do i see myself in the future with him? of course, but only if we both go to the same college and i don't always envision us together. the thing is i would not mind if we simply stayed friends but id be happy staying closer. do i respect him? well that's obvious... hes the only person that i really feel bad when i'm a little mean to. sure i get jealous or annoyed when he does better than me or gets angry when i do better than him, but that's just a quirk. would i still like him if his appearance changed. yeah even though right now i think he is one of the best looking guys. i don't care that hes a bit overweight, who cares, so am i, plus he is so great. still, if he wanted to leave and if we went to different schools, like he stays in Cali and i go outside state would i still want him. well yeah, at the very least i want to stay in touch. does this constitute love? or is this just infatuation? science says that the lust and infatuation stage lasts about 6 months. but does this change if you have known them for a long time? does it change of you know that hes wanted you for months before and so have you? we held back for so long i don't want to hold back anymore, but I'm still scared of rejection. i am worried that it is too soon and that it will get too serious and we will end up being disappointed or no longer friends. losing him would be the worst thing. shit i think i am actually falling for him. crud. "losing him would be the worst thing." wow didn't realize that until i finished writing that out. you know what? i will ride the wave. hopefully we will be at least together until the end of the year, that will mean we would have been together for 6 months. if it fated that we continue then okay.

i wont give up my dreams for him and i don't expect him to do it for me. i am willing to let go of him if it is for the best. i simply hope that i can enjoy this for as long as possible. if i ever do feel like admitting my possible feelings then let it be.

on a side note.... kamrens birthday on Friday and Kari Lynn moving out a week after that. hopefully in two to three weeks i will have my own room. yes of course ill miss Kari Lynn, Blake, Bert, and even Brandon, but my own room back? yes last time i had my own room for not even a year. i cant wait to have the last couple of months at home with a little more space. no more sharing the room with my little brother and having a bunk bed that i am able to fall off of!! yay!! hey more closet space too. ill actually be able to get to my side of the closest and my room wont smell like teenage boy!! yes!

about 3 am now, sleep is good.

i think i am falling for him... damn.