It's been more than 365 days since the darkness in my mind started.

Last year I stayed around for the summer, counting the days til I left for school, beating my skull on anything I could find in the hopes of bringing the brightness back.

I am another year older, no longer a virgin, no longer wondering what it feels like to have love pumping in my veins.

I've driven through Utah, admiring the colossal red rocks, the dry heat stealing moisture from my lips.

I've driven through Colorado, watching the smoke billow up to the sky, making it impossible to see or feel anything but hot, grey, smoke.

I've driven through Wyoming, trying to find the live trees in the acres and acres of bark beetle kill.

I've driven through Nebraska, where the road was flat and straight and I couldn't help but scream at my mother for making me feel like a child.

Now I'm in Missouri, where it's hot and dry and butterflies and birds sing because there is nothing to fear.

I don't want to go back to LA. Every time I do I feel the darkness, my childish grasping fingers looking for something else.

I just want to feel the cool rain of my own decisions on my face again.

phoebe