Welcome to my world. A world where I surpress my real thoughts until I completely lose it and have a meltdown. Is it strange that my best friend is my mom and that I spend more time with her than anyone else? The Gilrmore Girls make it seem extremely sweet but in real life does that make me a loner... and outcast? I certainly don't think so. I'm cynical but it's my so called friends that made me this way. I used to trust and believe but I've been let down so much that it's too hard.
It started Freshman year. There was a sudden shift where I went from 13 to 23 while my friends went from 13 to 14 to 15. See, they stopped caring. I felt like a toy; there to hang out with and have a good time when they wanted to but put on a shelf and forgotten about when they didn't need me. I stopped smiling as often and lost my carefree attitude. Suddenly I found myself analyzing everyone word they said and everything they did because I was getting some mixed signals. "I love you, Linny" turns into "Stop obsession over him, Linny, it's just puppy love", "You're my best friend, Linny" to "I'm too busy, Lin". This ache inside of me began when they didn't have time for me anymore. Emily had Soccer and Hockey and Track and sports all year long. Sari had ballet almost everyday for hours and hours. Aphrodite, well, her parents were very controlling. And that's everyone. That's all I had; nothing. I've hated sports my whole life. Everyone else became so focused on theirselves. I got phone calls with someone crying on the other end all of 7th and 8th grade but 9th grade when I was the one calling in a mess of tears... no one answered. I had no one. I had been a support system to everyone expecting to be caught when I eventually fell but I hit the ground. Or rather, I thought I was going to hit the hard cement but I was caught by my family; more specifically my mother. That's when I realized that I had a built in best friend and someone on my side.
Indio and I are a complicated mess. I've known him all my life. He was the boy down a few blocks, my "first kiss" back when I was 4 years old. He was the golden boy in my eyes because he was the only boy I knew that wasn't a relative. He was my Indio. In kindergarden Al and I were at his house for a playdate. Indio put me in the closet and told me he would let me out unless I showed him my underwear. I, knowing that what he asked was inappropriate, refused. I was terrified. Here I was locked in a closet and Alan wasn't helping me out, he didn't know what to do... Eventually his dad yelled down the stairs that it was time to go and I was released from my confinment still with my pants securely in place. Kitty, another neighborhood friend and my first best friend, was my confidant and I told her about the violation. She took it upon herself to go tell Indio's mother but she didn't believe Kitty and insisted she was making it up. HIs mother yelled at her mother and then it blew over. When we were 10 Kitty entrusted me with the information that Indio had made her lie down naked and let him kiss her while they rolled around. See, I instantly believed kitty not really knowing the truth. And I guess I'll never know the truth because Indio has forgotten most of our childhood together. Later in about 6th grade we had another falling out and this time it lasted 2 years. He 'stole' my diary and threatened to read it to the class if I didn't promise to be nicer to him. To this day he sticks to the story that he just found it on the spanish class floor, but I'll never really know. The summer between 8th and 9th grade I saw him again for the first time in 2 years after avoiding him like the plague. He was a changed boy. He was the most amazing person I had met and I fell hard for him. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything. Many a night we had heart-to-hearts where we spilled our souls to each other. I told him I had a crush on him but he had a girlfriend. He told me he thought he liked me too and we'd see were things went when things ended with his girlfriend (as they eventually would). Then he broke my heart, the gentlest way possible and I forgave him. The details aren't necessary and are too painful but our messy past is a part of who I have become. I became more forgiving and understanding, and most importantly, more caution about who I write off.
I've learned from my mistakes, so why can't EN, SM and AC?
*I use initials for friend's names, Nicknames for family or people who seem to have made an important impact on me or my life*