I had written my last entry with such confidence. But, I also had a list of things to do before I actually take these steps. And so with a little time, I’m just not sure what’s going to happen. And so… well damn-it… I might have to make some different choices.

 

The first problem really is that when I calculated how much a month I could be making, I did not take into consideration that I need to put about 25% of that aside for taxes. So, yea, this changes things a LOT. What looked like a very real possibility if only I could pick up two or three more classes a week now feels like impossibility.

 

I think it has become really apparent that I do need to get a part time job before I take this plunge.

 

So, the other thing that kinda has me in a funk is that Mich brought up the other day that she’s really scared that we are doing all of this only to end up working completely different shifts. She’s doing all of this schooling and studying to get a job as a Physical Therapist Assistant and work days. While I’m working towards becoming a full time yoga teacher. And I think the reality is that if you want to teach yoga full time, you pretty much are always going to be teaching nights.

 

I don’t know what to do with this… I thought about it for a while before I could even say anything. I just don’t know what to do. I have been teaching yoga since way before Mich and I got together and I have been teaching at night. I cannot give it up, I love it too much. Yes, I really want to figure out a way to teach during the day, but I don’t want to give up teaching adults. Our relationship is so important to me and I do want to have a life where we have the time together that we need and want, but at the same time, I can’t give this up. And at first it almost felt like that’s what she was asking me to do.

 

But we talked and she definitely doesn’t want me to give it up. I think she’s just scared… like I was when she was changing her schedule around so much. It’s the unknown of whether things will still be ok. She’s also afraid that I’m quitting my job just to spend more time with her… because she won’t be able to spend the time with me. Because she’s studying so much.

 

She asked me, with tears in her eyes, whether it was all going to be ok; if it was all going to be worth it. And I had to say with as much confidence as I possibly could muster that it all will be. But of course this whole conversation has planted this seed in my head making me wonder if it really will be ok or if I’m just putting us on this path for failure… failure for us as a couple and failure financially. But, I know I can’t have that attitude. I have to have an attitude of success.

 

I told her that my hope is that over the next two years, while she’s in school and studying, I’ll be building my yoga classes up to the point that I’ll be able to then CHOOSE the classes and schedule I want instead of taking classes because I have to. And hopefully in two years I’ll have the confidence to be teaching in public schools… But I honestly don’t know what that schedule will be like. I think most things will have to be done after school hours, and so I will most likely still be teaching at night.

 

So, here I am… Feeling torn. Knowing that if I take this step at the end of April, I’ll be pursuing a dream that I’ve had for a long time, but also putting my relationship into a place of stress. I’ll be giving up the comfort of all this extra money for vacations and dates and other fun things and we will be practically living in poverty.