|This too I can include|
I kinda knew that once I wasn’t working at a desk job anymore, getting onto the computer to write would become a sparse hobby. It kinda sucks because I used to write in my paper journal all the time and that was my place of outlet, but I stopped doing that a long time ago in lieu of writing here and now that has stopped too.
In fact, I knew I should have written last week because I was having a sort of melt down. I guess I had hoped that once I found a healthy relationship and someone who I was happy with that my codependent tendencies would go away. But, they are still there… just waiting for the right things to set me off.
So, last week, Mich’s demeanor started to change after the weekend. I’m not entirely sure what caused it, but it started to affect me. Eventually, I asked her what was wrong and she explained that she was disappointed that things hadn’t worked out the way I had planned, but that she was also feeling very over-whelmed about her life coming up in the fall once school starts. She feels like she has so much going on in addition to school and studying, that she’s not sure how she’s going to get it all done. And she doesn’t know how we are going to pay the bills, because my plans haven’t panned out.
It upset me. A lot and I cried and we talked, but there was a lot of silence, which is really hard for me, and then it seemed like it was over, end of discussion. But, there still seemed to be something wrong and things just weren’t pleasant around the house. I started to feel myself walking on eggshells, and just wanting to give up everything, find a full time job, and just give up yoga… all in order to make her feel better.
That was the part that made me realize just how codependent I was being. I actually applied for a few full-time jobs, but I’m looking for part-time as well. I hardly slept Thursday night and when her alarm went off on Friday morning at 4:30 and she left I was still awake and was just sobbing in bed.
On Friday, after I got home from my training, we sat down and talked some more and I know we finally cleared the air and we are back on terms that I’m happy with. I’m going to continue my search for more yoga opportunities, but keep my eye open for part-time work.
We ended up having a really nice weekend together. My best-friend, Justluv, is pregnant. I don’t know if I mentioned that, but she’s due in about 20 days. Her shower was on Saturday and I got a little weepy when we were saying goodbye. I’m probably going to be more a part of her daughter’s life than I am in my actual niece and nephew’s lives. Just because she WANTS me to be!
Sunday, I finished my Restorative Yoga Teacher Training and got my certificate. Sunday’s session was only two hours long. Enough time for her to walk me through a few more pranayama exercises and then for me to teach her for about 45 minutes. Afterwards, she said she didn’t even want to talk. She told me that I am such a gift to her and that I’m the reason she likes to teach teachers. She said that I just “get it” and have a wonderful way of conveying it in my own way. She told me that I’m a “force.” She even told me that I should be teaching teachers and I really didn’t need her. Basically, she emphasized that I need to believe in myself and know that I’m on the right path.
It made me cry to hear that from her. It meant so much to me. She said that this starts a new chapter in my life and I really feel like it does. I’m done with going to trainings for a while. I know what I need to know. For some reason, life has brought two amazing teachers into my life. My original teacher and now 13 years later, this teacher who is so much like my original teacher. Both are such old-school yoginis and really get what yoga is all about. This training has really brought me back to my roots and reminded me what yoga is all about. It’s put that little fire under my butt to find a creative and engaging way to teach that to people. Because yoga is so much more than just the postures. It’s what made me really love it in the first place.
So, here I am. Last week I felt like crap and I was ready to throw away a lot. I was ready to give up my dream. But, I know this journey is not going to be easy and there will be more tears before I get to the place where I feel confident that I can do this successfully for a living.