I think I'm going mad. Like I knew it would happen but not in this way, in the genetic loopy way...this way is quite different. I've been realising that when I'm driving (mainly to and from work) I start to think scenarios through in my head of crashing my car. Like if I'm driving past a lorry what would happen if it swerves and nicks the side of my car, or what would happen if that bmw coming towards me would hit me? 'You could find out, just turn the wheel a bit, nearly there there's not much time, not much time!' In me head...of course I would drive past it, taking a look at the person inside and saying firmly (in my head) you would have killed her. So then I would look at a way not to harm anyone and look at the verge - how are these things going through my head??! I wondered (on a seperate day) what would happen if I crashed my car as I came up to the turn off at my house, deciding that it wouldn't kill me at this speed but if I were to floor it to a hundred miles an hour and drive into the corner (images of going into wall) then I would. I'm fucking mental! I told Will, I've been getting sad on and off, getting paranoid about girls (though there has never been a reason to) and generally feeling shit and useless since I've put on weight. I feel so ugly, like I'm not good enough for him. Ach I get angry at myself for being so stupid! Anyway I needed to write this down somewhere because of course work is dead and my thoughts started dwelling, needed a vent eh =/ Will got mad at me and I didn't know why. Turns out I did something his ex used to do (we were at our mates and play fighting coz whatever and I grabbed and pulled his hair...) Anyway his reaction was a bad one and we had a fight, coz I am NOT and NEVER WILL BE that CRAZY WHOORE and if he can't get that if I do something I'm NOT doing it for the same EVIL reasons she did. I'm not mean, and never do things maliciously...anyway I was shook up again after that, hoping my lovydoved up feeling comes back, though good sex helped pick up my mood =) he bought me 'apology cheese' haha and some flowers ('just because I like buying you flowers') which is true =) My heads so fucked up and confusing right now, don't know what to do other than slog on and keep my hands steady on the wheel =P Xxx