It's funny that it's been nearly a year since my last entry.  I suppose there's a lot to catch up on but before I do I had to mention that I went back and re-read all of my previous entries.  In hind sight, there's a lot to be said.  Reflecting on this past year, it feels like so much has happened.  My whole life feels like it's jumbled up...not just upside down.

For starters, RG and I were at each other's throats this whole year.  He kept stringing me along all year until I finally had it with him and told him to fuck off.  3 months later, his fat sister showed up at my door to serve me court papers.  He apparently felt it was fair to take me to family court.  Well, he did little to remedy his own situation but he definitely made things harder on me.  The court saw my reasons for keeping J out of his life as reasonable and now he can only come to visit with her when I supervise.  And that says volumes about me generosity because the court wanted to send him to a supervised access center.  I'm not happy with the results but I think it taught him a lesson.  He has made an effort to be nicer but I think it's all just a ploy to get me to soften up toward him.  He's gonna have a hard time with that after all the pain and stress he caused me throughout the year.

RH...he and I had a rough year.  Days after my last entry, I found a photo of one of his best friends girlfriends on his computer.  It was a topless photo and I didn't understand why he had it.  I never got a real answer out of him and even though we "moved forward" I think it really put a chink in out chain.  I don't think I was able to look at him the same after that.  I always thought I was a special person to him and that made him so special to me.  It wasn't the photo that changed things but what it symbolized.  It seemed like since then, our relationship changed and even though he had times when he was sweet, he acted like he cared a lot less.  It didn't help that I had started to reevaluate my life some time around new years.  I realized that I would feel very good about having a marriage and another child or two someday.  Sooner than later.  RH doesn't seem to believe in either.  At one point, the best I got out of him was, "I guess I don't MIND marrying you...if that's what you want."  Ugh!  If that's not a kick in the jewels I dunno what is.  I told him that if he can't handle the heat, he should get out of the kitchen.  And out of the kitchen he did get.  He disappeared on me for a week or two and I felt like it was his way of parting us.  I started dating again.  And that's when he got his feathers ruffled. 

Dating proved to be more confusing that anything else.  I got to the point where, more than ever, I didn't understand what was wrong with me.  I was dating good, desireable men.  MEN!  Not boys.  Most of them were between 30-45.  Still good looking, though...I know it may be weird for me (at 25) to date so much older but I wanted to date people who were on the same page as me in life.  People who want to get married and have families.  Although a few of the people I went out with proved to be on the hunt for poon, they were easy to weed out because they'd disappear after I wouldn't put out after the 3rd date.  One guy ended up being sort of a mentor to me.  I think he could tell that our age difference wouldn't work for us but I've continued to keep in touch with him through Facebook and bounce business ideas off him.  Another guy proved to be special.  I'll call him F.  F is in his mid 30s, has a great job, a really nice personality, he loves to laugh, he's pretty cute (not HOT, but sexy in a cute way), he loves to eat good food (and he took me to some amazing gourmet restaurants), he's got a bitchin car and a loft downtown.  He actually really liked me and I liked him too.  We started seeing each other some time around mid-April.  For about 2 months he took me out at least once a week.  He does keep busy with his job but he always made time to see me and take me out some place special.  He pulled me around corners to catch a hug or a kiss but he never acted aggrssively toward me or give me the "So...my place or yours?" question with one raised eyebrow.  He took me on a trip to Niagara, got a gorgeous two-bedroom hotel room with a view of the falls and took me to a $200 dinner that night.  The thing is, when it came time to "do or die" I wasn't loving him the way I loved RH.  He kept to being a perfect gentleman and even though he called me to go out with him again after that, I told him the truth about how I didn't have the kind of special feelings for him that I want to have for a person I get serious about.  He was so gracious about it that knowing what I know now, I feel stupid for how I handled things with him.

So having ended things with F, I started talking to RH again.  I missed him and I txt'd him to try to open the lines of communication again.  To backtrack, RH tried to win me back when he found out I was dating other people.  He cut his hair short, got some nice clothes, started trying to take me out to dinner and trying to connect with J.  It would all have been a lovely and amazing gesture if I felt his heart was in it but I didn't.  I know what he said and what he claimed to be true but my intuition told me he wasn't being real.  He told me he wanted to get back together but I was sort of mad that it took him so long to come to that conclusion.  I was seeing other people and I wasn't ready to re-commit myself to RH.  I wasn't even sure if his expressions and proclaimations were genuine.  He started getting snarky and throwing around comments that were clearly intended to hurt.  When I told him that he and I weren't going to be getting back together right away, he thought it was appropriate to ask for his box of condoms back. 

Ok...side note: I don't know that kind of a rookie he took me for.  First off, I was looking for a special person for my life, not someone to fuck.  I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone, any way.  But even if I was, I would NEVER (as the woman) supply the condom.  No condom, no nooky...and yet, I would never show my potential boyfriend a half-used box from a previous relationship to get his mind cranking on doing the math of how many people I had slept with.  It's one of the many reasons I believe the man needs to supply the condom.  Anyway...

I know I lost my temper but I yelled at him, threw the condoms at him and slammed the door in his face.  I also sent him a txt and told him not to talk to me anymore.  Anyway, about a month later I couldn't escape the feeling that I missed him and still had feelings for him.  Does this make me a tool/douchebag?  Totally.  In a sense, I had made a mistake.  RH and I hung out a few times and I told him about my feelings and after the conversation, stupidly assumed, we were back together.  I called myself his girlfriend and he made no hesitation of correcting me.  Maybe in a sense I blew it.  I don't know but the reason I came here to vent today is because I've been very emotional about RH lately.  I haven't been myself...I made the stupid tool move of calling him in tears.  He says he still cares about me but doesn't wanna get back together with me.  Not because of me but because he's come to view relationships as a burden.  I'm not a moron, I know what that means.  It doesn't change the fact that I still love him but I also feel like I have to accept that I need to move on.  I fucked it up and I guess now he will never be my Noah like I had thought.  Even though he was close to becoming the one I truly love, I suppose everything happens for a reason.

On a lighter note, I've enrolled myself in school and I've been working at that.  Actually I came here because I'm supposed to be studying but all this shit is dragging me down and I can't think.  I hope this clears my mind a bit.