so im out takeing a nice walk on this frigen cold night with my
dog. and these people decide they are going to stop an pet barkley
all this time im looking at the ground cause its cold. the i look up an
it someone that of course i dont want to come across. it happens
to be my ex shawn, i havent seen shawn in about 2 years an
i wasnt alright with that. shawn used to abuse me emotionally
and physically. an i dont think i have ever delt with it. because
he makes me feel very uncomfortable. i even ran home with the
dog.

i feel this is a crappy time to be quitting drinking now that i seen
him i feel like i need a drink, make me realize more that i am an alcholic
buy the time i got home wich was a matter of 3 minutes, i was sweating to
death and i felt like i was going to get sick.

its kindof strange that we have not been together for 4years  and it hurt me
to see him with his new girlfriend, im not sure if its that i still love him
or that he has hurt me so bad and i still havent dealt with it right so
i havent been able to let go. of the past and i dont think i have
forgiven him yet an im not sure if i can.  and i dont think i have to fully
be able to move on. but man dose it make me want to drink.
i have always been able to turn to drinking or drugs when i felt agitate
or uncomfortable with an issue. but now im trying to quit both
and i feel like i have nothing to turn to. i have alchol in my fridge very temting.
i have been laying in bed for about two hours cant sleep all i can do is think about
him an everything that happend between us. i wish i could just push it in the back
of my mind. but i know thats the major issue is the fact thats all i have been doing
with my issues for 5 years now i have been avoiding my problems. well i cant even say five
years i have been doing it all my life. and maybe thats why things do bother me so much.
is because i have so much baried inside. i see a phychiatrist on the 20th for the first time
im kindof scared im not even sure where to start with her. there is so much i need to deal
with and im not sure what i should deal with and shouldnt or if should deal with it all.
so my bestie is sleeping but thats ok cause i kindof dont mind be alone tonight my friend eddy wanted
to come over but after my run in i called and asked him to stay home i was just not feeling comfortable with
anything i even had to have a bath and of course i cried and im starting to cry again, oh i so want a drink but
i dont want anyone to be dissapointed in me, i have done so much dissapointing in my life. i have to prove that
i can do some things that i say i am going to do. its just really hard i hate faceing things i guess, its really hard
for me. i sometimes wish i could just run away. i wanted my new year to start out good me an the bestie even spent
the day cleaning are house to get off on the right foot. then i see him and things seem crappy i dont want to be depressed
though or let this bring me down, i got to try and stop thinking and realize that tommorw is a new day, i have a great friend
and together we are going to face the world and make this one of the best years of our lives.
for those of you who read my entries im sorry they are all over the place its just i wright as i think.