....no hero in her sky.

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

-Bob Dylan.

beautiful words from that beautiful mind.

hmm.

isn't crazy how one aspect of your life seems like it's all coming together perfectly for once...but then....all the other pieces of your life start to crumble and dissolve and you can't do a damn thing to stop them from self-destructing?

he is right though.

about the type of person you were.

i never thought of it as...you manipulating me.

because it was a completely different approach than what i'm use to.

i let you talk down to me.

i thought brandon dowd taught me better.

i let you tell me i was nothing and i would always be nothing without you.

i believed you.

i let myself believe that i needed you.

and i let myself believe that the 99.9% of misery was worth it for just that.... 0.1% of a smile that you might occasionally throw on my face.

but it wasn't because you were doing anything deep and meaningful.

it's because i tried to so hard to make the best of every shitty scenario you put me in.

and most of the time....they were so shitty...that 0.1% is the only thing that kept me from going completely fucking insane.

so i ran.

all the way to california.

and when i came back...

i had been  influenced to the extreme by the positive people that i let come into my life.

you couldn't kick me any more...

even if i was already down....i always got back up.

words will be the death of me

and i am proud of myself for that.

even though i'll never hear those words from you.

it only matters how i view myself.

and now i'm burning down the bridges that i have found

to keep you from getting to me.

kirstin coming back into my life has been completely exhilarating.

for now at least.

cardiac arrest.

i hate the thought of loosing you because i can't keep my god damn mouth shut.

yes.

i'm impulsive.

yes....

i attack.

and yes.

i'm terribly sorry.

it's a character flaw that i have to learn to keep under control.

especially if i want to keep you.

and trust me...

i do.

more than anything.

hmm.

last night felt like...

fire works.

or mini explosions.

is it selfish to ask you to please be patient with me?

i'm a little damaged and dented and neglected.

but i promise if you put the time into me.

the dedication into me.

it will be worth every second of it.

because i am completely and irrevocably in love with you.

and i'd do what i could to make this work.

because trust me...

i know i have some things to work on and work out within myself

who would you rather be?

the beatles or the rolling stones?