My life is extremely difficult, considering I am who I am. There's not too much of that anymore, considering everyone's pretty much selfish and consumed in materialism. Me? I'm always trying to satisfy other people and help them out, thus most of the time, I was walked all over.
That is, until I start standing my ground to people.
Eventually, I got completely sick of it. I put my walls up against everywhere, and it's almost impossible to get through...until you find away to get into my heart. But, that's for another story.
Anyways, I have gotten to where I absolutely despise life. Just about every single aspect. You see, I can't trust anyone, because it appears that this whole planet is out to get me -- which I know it isn't really like that, but that's really how I feel. Everyone I have ever tried to trust does nothing but break me in the end.
However, I am aware that it's impossible, not to do that. I'm obviously human, and that means I need to be loved and I need to be social, blah blah blah. But I really cannot trust anyone.
It's that little shell that I enclose myself in that is destroying me, I'm sure. I'm lonely, but it's almost because I don't want to be close, to anyone. But I refuse to let myself take that part of me away, because I do not want to be hurt again. I'm starting counseling Tuesday, so maybe that will help...it's just hard to say that I'll make it to Tuesday.
It's sad for me to say that. When I was younger, I was so afraid of death. I hated even the thought of it. But now I embrace it, and I want it to come. There's really not much of that old me left.
What's even sadder is, you know how I say that I want to be loved? Ofcourse, everyone does. But my problem is that I only love one person. Billy. I've known him for four years, and he is everything to me. However, the first time we started dating, he fucked me over and got with another girl. Fucked with my head, for 6 months. Then the second time we started dating after he said he had changed, which was 2 years after the first time, we're together for a couple of months. Sooner or later he starts cheating on me. And no, it's not one time thing. It's a straight up at least 3 month relationship "I'm meant to be with Amanda" type of situation. Bullshit, right?
Now he's saying he's changed again, and my dumbass wants to give in. But I haven't yet, thank god. I feel myself slipping into it day by day though....I feel like I'm really meant to be with this guy. Stupid, right?
Yeah, I have no self confidence.
But I guess this is all for now. I wrote this just to break the ice.