|Life is pushing my swing|
I don't want to write this. Its so easy to keep putting off writing in my diary, because I don't know what seeing the words in print will do to my emotions. The last few days have been a rough ride, and I don't like where I am emotionally and mentally right now. I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid.
I'll start with the less stressful of events in the last couple of weeks. I've joined a gym in order to get in shape, and feel better about myself. I am by no means overweight, but I would like to trim and tone, and learn to love my body rather than just accept it. I want to feel good about myself, get healthier, and in the process learn to be happier with who I am.
Brandon and I have had some issues as of late. The incident in Vancouver has blown over, but other things have come up. Maybe it's just me? I think I could be hyper-sensitive to all of this, I just don't know. I want to cry, but I won't let myself. I have to keep this flood of emotions under control, because if the dam breaks I'll never be able to stop. It's time for me to grow up, and deal with this appropriately. Crying fixes nothing, it just exhausts me.
What started my little emotional roller coaster ride was Friday night, when I came over to Brandon's. He was drunk when I arrived, and I could smell the liquor on his breath as soon as I stepped out of my car. He seemed to find it funny, but I was already seething within moments. I made sure it wasn't him who drove home from the pub, and then I didn't want much to do with him. We went inside to watch the hockey game, and I'd already begun texting friends for emotional support. I sat on his bed, and he played on his computer. I was already forgotten as I lay on the bed, and texted for support so that I could keep myself under control. I wanted to yell, scream, throw things, rage how unfair this was, and how disrespectful. But instead, I sat on the bed quietly, and watched the hockey game.
My disapproval was evident even without voicing it, and I was biding my time. He finally came over, wanting to cuddle, and I told him that he stunk of liquor. I didn't want to cuddle, I wanted to go home. But still, I sat there quietly, and waited. The game ended, and Brandon was acting very affectionate in his drunk stupor, and was trying to cuddle because he knew I was mad. But still, I spoke calmly, and I didn't lash out. I sat quietly. And I waited.
He fell asleep early, and I remained awake in bed. This would have been the time to sneak out, and get away for the beer breath snoring next to me. But no, I sat, and texted, and waited to calm down enough to go to bed. I stayed up for another 2 hours texting, and listening to his drunk snores before I could fall asleep.
We woke up the next morning, and he was finally sober. He was acting vaguely repentant, but still I didn't say anything. I just waited. Soon the opportunity presented itself. He was sober, we were both calm, and I decided that I needed to talk about last night. So I began a calm, quiet discussion about how he had hurt my feelings, that I didn't approve of him getting hammershowed before I come over. I told him it was disrespectful, and that it was an unfair double standard. If I was drunk when he came over, he would have been yelling and raging. I said that I just quietly waited, and didn't make a big fuss. I didn't have a fit, I didn't yell, I didn't rage. That I wanted to quietly discuss how this was unfair, and that it had better not happen again.
Well, calmly explaining exactly what he'd done to make me angry, making sure he understood that I'm not mad that he went out, that I'm mad that he got drunk before I came over, and explaining how it made me feel worked very well. I could see that he understood that he can still go out, but he needs to act responsibly, and not put me in awkward and uncomfortable situations because he made a bad decision. I took it all calmly and in stride, and I know he understood and comprehended more because I didn't freak out, and I took the time to carefully explain why I was mad, and to make sure he understood the reasons too.
I think I was very mature about it, and even though I had impulses to rage and leave, I ignored them and handled the situation to the best of my extent and it benefited both of us. Instead of it being a fight, it was an easy conversation about feelings and expectations, that ended with a well meaning apology. It didn't dissolve into tears, and yelling, and useless arguing. I felt good about it, after.
I feel like I've grown up a lot. And I'm proud of myself.
As soon as the conversation ended, the whole issue was over. I still harbored some residual annoyance, but I'd said everything I felt, and I didn't have any more hostile feelings toward him. We went on with our weekend, and there wasn't a single problem after that. It was a forgotten issue.
Enter Monday. Brandon works afternoon shifts for the next 3 weeks, which are my least favorite of all the shifts he works. For me this is 3 weeks of being lonely, feeling isolated, and little communication. We'll only see each other weekends, and we'll barely text the whole week. I don't know what it is about his afternoon shifts, but he hardly texts before or after. It's like I'm single from Monday to Friday, and suddenly I have a boyfriend again for the weekends. I feel so lonely the whole time, and its not very easy.
I began to text Jamie that night, and we spent hours analyzing Brandon's behavior. We talked about every problem Brandon and I have, and concluded that they all stem from jealousy, insecurity, or bad decision making. We talked about what measures I could take in order to solve the problems, and discussed my methods now. Jamie thinks I need to be harsher when he makes mistakes, but I happen to like my new method. She feels that he interprets me as a "sweet little pushover who will always forgive". I don't agree with he pushover part, but he knows he can get away with a lot because I am easy to forgive. I need to make sure that he doesn't act out because he knows I won't hold it against him forever.
In particular we discussed his double standard for drinking, his weird behavior in Vancouver, and his tendency to talk down to me when he's stressed out. We think we've solved the mystery of them, but resolving the problem is a lot more difficult. We think that not wanting me to go out drinking stems from insecurity that I'll leave him, or drink too much and do something stupid. We discussed the possibility that it stems from the incident at a bar with the girl he was seeing before me, but Jamie doesn't seem to think so. As she put it, he was more upset about losing money than he was that she got drunk and made out with other guys. So, that wouldn't be it. She thinks that with time, he'll get over it, and that when she and I go out together that he'll feel more comfortable about it because he trusts her.
His weird behavior in Vancouver we pinned on jealousy, since I am now very close with his best friend. And when he and I go visit, she and I typically pay more attention to each other than we do to him. We think that if we make an effort to include him more, and try to not make him feel like she is cutting him out, that he'll snap out of it. Jamie figured that some couples have this problem when their significant other is all of a sudden becoming friends with their friends, and that it takes time to adjust. If we look at it that way, we've only all been together a few times, and this could still be something he grows out of.
His tendency to be an asshole verbally is a little more complicated. We figure it again was because he was all worked up over being jealous, but it still needs to stop. Because I'm not some little pushover, and I know when I deserve better.
I told her that I worry about us sometimes. I'm always able to work through his antics and forgive, but I fear that one day there will be an issue I just can't forgive anymore, and that it will end us. Jamie told me that if I ever think about breaking up, that she'll support me, and still be my friend. That meant so much to me. I don't want to break up, and I've never even considered it as an option. But the loyalty and compassion that she's showing me even though she's been his best friend for 6 years really makes me feel like I have a solid support in my life. I think I've found a friend for life. :)
Unfortunately, discussing his flaws had be rather worked up, and yesterday I felt hostility towards him as soon as I woke up. A combination of discussing the things about him that frustrate me, as well as it being the lonely afternoon shifts left me very agitated. We barely texted yesterday, and it wasn't long before I was back to texting Jamie. I told her about the incident the night before where he left a rude comment on my brother's girlfriend's facebook profile picture, and how even though he intended it to be funny, he had only succeeded in creating an enemy of my brother and his girlfriend.
Jamie was telling me how none of her family or friends likes Brandon, not even her little sister Danielle. She was saying that she can't invite Brandon out with friends, that she'll never be able to invite us out together when she organizes group things, and that when people go to visit her they make sure that their trip doesn't overlap with his. He has this horrible ability to offend people, and is consistently chasing people away before they get a chance to see that he really isn't an asshole. I don't know how to deal with this. Most the people who didn't like him are no longer friends, but I can't have him continue to make enemies of the people I care for. Jamie says he has an "if they don't like me that's their problem, I am who I am" sort of attitude, and I agree. But she also feels that when you love someone, you need to try for them, and make an effort to make their lives easier by not creating enemies of their friends.
She's of the opinion that he's not transitioning from single to couple very well, and I think she worries about us as a couple. Honestly, I do too. I don't understand how he can go from loving boyfriend to ignorant asshole in one day. It scares me sometimes, and I don't know what to do about it. I've isolated the problems, and maybe some of the solutions. But I don't know how to have him cooperate.
I don't want to break up. I love him, and I want to be with him. But he doesn't make this relationship very easy sometimes. I'm going to keep trying though. I haven't exhausted my resources yet, and I can still salvage this. In fact, I will salvage this. These aren't consistent problems, and it's not a permanent problem. These are things we can work through with time and patience. I think he is worth it, even if I've had my doubts about us in the last few days.
I'm not ready to give up yet. I never will be.
*That sounded so brave, but on the inside I feel like I'm breaking. I'm lonely, I feel hopeless, and I'm scared. And there's no one to hold me and tell me it'll all be okay.