|..Lost In Wonderland..|
Lately I've needed a place to escape and I just can't do it anywhere but here. I haven't written in so long because I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I never really know what to say or how to say it or even how to un-clutter my mixed up mind.
Kasi and I have been on this rollercoaster of a relationship and I don't even know how to decipher it anymore. I think throughout this diary you can see the ups and downs of what we've had and when things are good I guess they're great but when they are bad oh boy are they ever. I don't know how to look at her or talk to her without being angry anymore. I feel like she has just broken me. Broken me down but yet made me so reliable on her that I don't know how to stand up for myself or what I believe or even what I want. I love her. What kind of love I don't even know. I think it's a sick and twisted type of needy love that drags out until either one of us kills the other or becomes so overwhelmed with the dysfuntion that we just run away.
I feel bad for the people that have been put in the path of our relationship. We have both done things, hurt people, ourselves and each other through this mess. We don't have sex, we don't talk, we don't even enjoy each others company anymore. Why the fuck can't I just walk away? How do I deal with a codependency that is literally killing me? Throughout this relationship I have developed a number of ulcerers and colon polyps that have been stress enduced. I am so stressed out because I feel like I do everything alone. I can find all the reasons not to be together but at the end of the day the only reason that I find to stay together is the fact that we have always taken care of one another. She is the only person that I have ever seen a family with but at what expense? I keep dwelling on the fact that I have given everything to her and sacrificed so much for her but in the end does she really appreciate any of it? I feel in my heart of hearts that she doesn't.
I want the strength to leave. I want the strength to let go and walk away and just realize that this isn't how love is. This isn't how life is suppose to be. How do I get through this? How do I let go of this without losing myself? But at the same time how do I let go and find who I really am capable of being?
I feel so lost and hurt inside. I feel like somewhere along the way I have lost my best friend and lost what we were and could have been. I just don't know how to function right now....