|Bruised but never broken....|
My beloved nana passed away. She had epilepsy and fell during one of her seizures and hit her head. The hit caused her brain to hemorrhage. I was my nanas favorite. She knew I struggled with my mom at home. My nana would always tell my mother shit about treating me better. She didnt know just how bad it was though. I took her death really really hard. She was in a coma and my uncles and mom decided to disconnect her. Only after like 4 or 5 days. I missed her so much. She was the only family other than my brothers that truly loved me. During that time my evil step-father came back. ....Yeah...
I started to drink and do drugs heavily. Trying to spend as much time out of the home as possible. It didnt matter though. He was sticky sweet nice to me. My mother was crazy over it like a jealous teenager. I hated them so much. She was stuck to him like glue around me and would tell me stupid little bullshit remarks. Talking shit. Yeah bitch I want your man. Get real. Well at least she wouldnt let him mess with me anymore. She didnt even let him talk to me. GOOD! He didnt really listen to her though. He would try to woo me and was always staring at me with this stuck on stupid stare. He would buy me shit. Call me "Su princessita" Did THAT make HIM the king? Needless to say all that led up to him raping me again. He just tried a whole other approach.
I had been drinking and smoking weed all day and came home about 11 o clock at night thinking I was gonna get in and go straight to sleep. I was so drunk I kept stumbling and couldnt focus. I couldnt even unlock the door so I sat outside leaning against the wall, falling asleep. HE comes out and was saying something or other I just waved my hand like I dont care. He proceeds to help me up and take me inside. He started to caress my cheek and was talking softly some shit. I remember he was saying sorry and how he truly loved me. That he loved me more than he loved my mother. He told me he didnt love her anymore. I was just nodding my head like ok so leave me alone so I could go to sleep. He hugged me and started to kiss my neck and cheek. I hit him on the side of the head. "leave me alone" He just kept going. saying how he would do it different this time. How I would like it this time. WHAT? I was really drunk but managed to stand up and kept pushing him. I was yelling for my mom. "Le di una pastilla y no se va levantar mija" I went for the boys room I thought I would go in there and lock the door. He pushed me to the floor and after what seems like hours of struggling he raped me. The mother fucker raped me again o my god already. I hated myself for letting this happen. If only I wouldnt have been so drunk I could have fought him off harder. I couldnt take it anymore. My nana had just passed away not even a week earlier, and now this? My step-father didnt even look at me the next day. He looked nervous and acted strange. My mother was completely oblivious to the fact that her husband was up to his old shit again. I heard him tell her he was going to mexico again for about a week. Good.
I decided to end my life. It was a calm and thought out plan. I felt happy I was not going to be around anymore. I waited until my mother went to sleep then took out a bottle of cuervo. I went to the restroom and grabbed 3 bottles of Andys pills. And so I began a couple of swigs a couple handfulls of pills. I drank quite a grip of pills Like almost all of them. I sat for awhile caressing my brothers hair, just looking at them thinking I'll never see them again. I was crying, wondering what i would see when I died. Would I come back to live another life? Well if I did I hoped to have a real mother like the ones on tv. I didnt care if I was poor but just wanted a family that loved me. I contemplated killing my mother before I died but couldnt bring myself to do it. I passed out and didnt remember a thing after that.
The story goes that my mother found me in the morning halfway outside the door thrown on the floor, breathing really crazy like. She said she just thought I passed out drunk until she saw an empty pill bottle thrown in the yard. She called 911. The paramedics could not revive me with smelling salts and I stopped breathing on the way to the hospital. They told her if she wouldve taken a little longer I wouldve died for sure.(She probably regreted THAT move huh) I died 3 times in the hospital and had to be brought back. Then I was in a coma for a week. My mother was making funeral arrangements and signed a do not resuscitate order in case I should happen to die again. Huh too late AGAIN. She was willing me to die. She wanted to bury me. I came around to see my mother on the phone crying to somebody about how horrible I treated her and that this was for the best blah blah blah She didnt see I woke up. I closed my eyes and just listened. I waited until I heard her leave to open my eyes again. It was so painful to hear with my own ears the hate my mother had for me. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I just kept thinking over and over again Why didnt I die Why didnt you just let me die God?
She admitted me to a mental hospital. I was there about 3 weeks. They kept drilling me about my past and tried to get me to talk about my problems. I told them a little bit but what for? They cant stop it. They sent me BACK home.