So, my life hasn't exactly panned out as I expected when I was young. I've done so many things that I never thought I'd do. I've not yet done things I'd planned to have already accomplish by now. I'm caught in limbo of being a grown adult and trying to get out of my life of being young. I've loved. I've lost. I have a big kid job, take care of myself, and just can't seem to get up the same speed and motivation I used to have when I was young, just starting school, to finish. Being the first and only person in my family to complete, or for that matter, go to college. No one gets that I have so much more on my plate than they do. Just because you work a dead end 8 hour shift and have time to do whatever it is you do. I work 12 hour shifts and go to school. And work nights. Why can no one understand? I wish I knew what to do with myself. I know what I want for the future. Kids, a family, a home, and a good paying job. But for now, what do I want? I like being single. Which I am for the first time in about 4 1/2 years. It's peaceful. A little lonely sometimes, but that's what I've got friends and family for. Guys are so much work. Almost too much... Crazy thing is I love my ex still and always will and will probably always think of him til I meet someone better, or so I'm told, but I don't want to be with him. At least not now. Or so I tell myself. I don't know. Since my and my ex started getting serious 3 1/2 years ago I've had baby fever. I'm almost 25 years old and everyone of my friends and sisters, and cousins are having a baby. I'm just to the point where I'm realizing that I don't need one and need to finish school and find someone that I want to spend my life with. I want to get a little more financially stable than I am now. My life is so screwed up. I'm a mess.