|Just Trying to Breathe...|
My name is Sarah but i like to be called Silver, I live in Wales in the UK, i'm 17 and this is me.
I'm starting this diary now because i feel like im changing. Ive recently fallen out with all of my friends, started going out with someone new...but i'm slipping back into my eating disorder i can feel it more and more everyday but i havent self harmed in 2 weeks. I feel like i'm walking on ice that could just crack at any second.
I'll start off by saying that i'm in my first year of college doing musical theatre.
I love the musical theatre part it is amazing. I thought i was a better singer than dancer, but turns out im a better dancer than singer because my voice isn't very loud, propbably because i smoke about 15-20 cigarettes on a good day :S but i dont think i can dance hiphop very good i think im better at ballet and contemporary. I will never be a professional dancer anyway im only 5'3'' tall. I absolutely despise going to college some days though because of the people on my course. I thought by leaving school and going to college it would all get better but i was wrong. It got a million times worse, but i guess it was my fault for choosing something in performing arts where everyone is willing to stab you in the back at any second. And somehow i got more confident?!.. kinda went a bit crazy in the last year since i left school.
Gonna talk about the new boyfriend. He's new in so many ways. All of my other boyfriends have been kinda childish. His name is Luke Fletcher but everyone calls him Fletcher, hes 21, he drives, he has a 19 month old son who is adorable and he loved me before we even got together. We did everything backwards, my fault really. I told him all about my past and the reason i selfharm (long story ill explain another time) before we were even good friends. We had sex before we even knew what was going on, and i fell in love with him and realised i cant live without him right now before we were even together. Weve been together officially 2 weeks, but it feels like months. I spend every second of my life that i can with him. Hes not perfect, but who is? Im definitly not.
I was best friends with a girl called Amy since year 7, and these 2 girls, Chelsie and Charlie for about a year. Amy (left), i always refered to her as my sister. I always felt like i needed her and if i lost her my life would just stop somehow. Charlie (middle), she was sweet and quiet but i never liked how she treated boys. Chelsie (right), the real life version of Barbie and she knew it. She had everything. 2009 was awesome thanks to them and a boy called Rhys topped the summer off as i started to fall in love with him.
dont ask about the hair, lasted 2 months, hated it lol.
I didnt think life could get any better. Me and Rhys didnt work out, he cheated and we broke up but remained good friends but kept telling me he still loved me and wanted to get back with me. 2 weeks ago me and the girls fell out. I dont wanna go into why but i basically realised i didnt need their bullshit anymore and decided i didnt wanna go out and sit around outside a pub, being taken advantage of and wasting my life away. People always say 'You don't know who people really are until they turn against you'. That is so true. The amount of abuse ive had shouted at me in the street, written all over facebook and whispered behind my back is ridiculous. Most of it spread by Chelsie. I can deal with all of that though thats fine, obv it's upsetting but nothing actually properly hurt me until i found out yesterday that Amy lost her virginity with Rhys on the weekend. A friend from college rang me and told me when she heard and i just froze i could barely breathe. What makes it worse is that she is really skinny! shes the same height as me but weighs about 6 st (84lbs) . I weigh 7st10 (108lbs). Its not fair, i look like a pig next to her. This is what shape my body is in. I litrally just took these pictures ive had 2 meals today and everything.
Gonna keep a food diary from now on and lay off the bacon. I'll say ill come on here everyday and update but i know i wont after the first couple of entries but i will come on here eventually. Untill next time...
C'est la vie <3