i am trying naranon again....and going to try alanon since there are on naranon meetings round here.  i have been posting stuff on the naranon site....

i think i am just chronic at this co-dependancy stuff. pretty much everyone i have been involved with seriously has had an addiction...alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex. I seem to tolerate them for a bit....i was ok when he told me he "shot speed" cuz in my late teens and early 20s i did speed. speed to me was a pill tho...not meth. one of my best friends intoduced me to crank in the 80s and we both thought it was cool cuz it helped us lose weight and stay up all night. when i saw it was causing probs for her kids (who i'd known since they were tiny), i just stopped. i couldn't do anything that hurt those 2 little people. my sons dad has had a drinking problem for years....but after 4 years of putting up with his stupidity...i quit him cold turkey because my son was a yr old and one of us had to grow up. i was not going to be homeless with a baby because he wanted to play....so i walked.

i have spent so many years trying to sort things out for my son...who is autistic...that now that he is basically safe...i have had no where to focus a fight on. so it has been the ABF and trying to get him clean, make sure he got to work, then tried to help him do his own business, getting him to gain weight, sending him back to cali to get clean and work, then making school work for him....on and on and on. i have been in the hospital 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years because of pancreatitis brought about by the stress and my own food addictions that spiral out of control when i panic over him.

i am not perfect....i have had my own bouts with most of these addictions myself. it is just at some point...reality sets in and i realized it was time to set aside the toys and get back to being a grown up. this man is smart...has had lots of life lessons that should point out to him that his world only crumbles when he lets this side of him take over....but quitting is not an option. "Managing"...that is his solution. and for a long time i bought that he could manage.....i played along....i participated in the things he enjoyed while high and for a while i enjoyed them too. but it was costing me at work. i was tired all the time...falling asleep at my desk if i didnt drink those 5 hour energy thingies. i have not only tried to rescue him...but been dragged into him trying to rescue others. i went back to someone's appartment that was being evicted cuz my ABF had supposedly been trying to help him move when nobody else would....but it was really so he could get high. then when he crashed...and this guy was calling for help....and i didnt want ABF to get high again...i went! i didnt even KNOW this guy!!! how stupid was that?

i want to run away...omg how i want to just run away. move somewhere else...be someone else. running away has been my answer in the past. i went to live with my sis....and quit drinking....i moved back to my parents and left son's dad....i stopped being round crank friend and found new people. but my ABF's friend who was working his recovery program said about ABF....where ever he goes, there he is. running away doesnt work, because he just runs into himself. so....now i realize that applies to me as well. so yehaw...what do i do with this wonderful epiphany? if i am chronicly co-dependant...how do i become un-codependant? when i am on my own.....i get healthy. i relax...i walk...i write...i live without drama....my house is clean and organized...i breath. i THINK i am good...balanced. i guess it is like being a dry drunk?

trying this again...actually ordered a bunch of the literature last night. can i work the steps without a sponsor??? is that possible? will my head and heart believe i am worth it????????? trying to find a councilor....but i suck at sitting there telling someone face to face just what an idiot i am and have been....a friend suggested writing it and my goals...and handing it to the councilor. there is an alanon meeting right around the corner from me....that meets tonight...and says its for beginners....so will try to actually walk thru the doors. i want to run sooooo badly...wipe the slate clean....get away from those i perceive as my problem....but i know i will only run into the one who really is my problem. oh how it sucks in so many many ways.