|down the rabbit hole of meth|
my alo is moving in the direction of recovery....without anger and resentment pointed at me. this is new and i am confused. what prompted this was a failed drug test that showed all he has taken. he had been under the impression that the meth was totally out of his system after 3 days, but it showed. and having to plead for a job, humbled and humiliated him. he looked into long term affects of meth, he is looking for a recovery program, and he is going to meetings. most of all, he is talking to me about recovering. he has from the beginning told me that he wasnt ever going to quit getting high. so, to me, its a big step.
the confusion comes here. last night, we were going to a movie, but decided to plan the movie around an available meeting....so i drove him to it. he went in, then came back out to see if i wanted to go in since it was pretty much the temp of the sun's surface outside (that might be a slight exageration ;) ), so i said ok....not sure if i should because of him and the others. i told him i wanted to sit in the back and not interfere with anyones meeting, and he chose to sit with me. the meeting was on telling the truth. everyone was sharing, and i was sitting there thinking...maybe my being here will prevent him from sharing and he is just trying to go thru the motions to show me he is serious. he had told them at the beginning that he was not new to na, but that it had been a long time. one gentleman who shared, pretty much directed it towards my friend. another woman's share i saw for some reason affected my friend and his head went on the table. he sat up and stared at me for a few minutes. and then he spoke and told them it was because of lieing to me that he was trying this again. and that he is strugling to figure out what is right and wrong because of his past. should i even be there???? should i know what he says? i told him after i dont want to be a reason he doesnt say all he needs because he doesnt want me to know....although i think i pretty much know it all. he said he was glad to have the support and was glad i was there. i cant walk thru the doors to a meeting for me....i cant drag him to one of my meetings cuz i dont think it would be the slightest bit fair for anyone there....so is this the right thing to do?
he mentioned to me last night, that telling the truth and being honest are two different things...not sure if this is na philosophy...or prison. telling the truth means answering a question truthfully but not volunteering anything more, being honest is coming forward without being asked. i saw him flinch when a man said he had integrity from being honest, and hope now. if i ever doubted in a HP intervention, i would've had to put it to rest last night. that meeting and the sharing people did....it all seemed pointed at my alo.
i do have to admit, when he explained his difference between telling the truth and being honest i thought ...AH HAH! when we get home and he is allll relaxed after the movie....i will make my move and ask for his honesty! and i thought more and decided no. that is using his words against him, that is being a detective, and it is chasing down a fight. the first night here, he told me that i needed to allow him to recover...that i cant always be asking....did you get high...are you high. and he is right...because that is what you all keep saying....and what, in my heart, i know. it is his dance with his drug and his addiction. i have my own to deal with.
that being said, are there guidelines about going to meetings or would someone be willing to share their experiences?? i dont want to be a crutch or excuse in my ABFs recovery, but i want him to know i support him.