|This is my diary..|
So got up around 9:45 a.m., got dressed quickly, woke my husband up and sped over to the clinic for my 10 o'clock appointment.. only to find out that my doctor wasn't there and that I had to reschdule my appointment! Apparently they were trying to get a hold of me.. but if that were true then why didn't my husband's cellphone ring? I wanted to say bullshit to the receptionist but I was too tired and felt stupid standing there. Anyways, with me being mad and my husband more awake than me at the time, I had him drive the car and then he went to go get his hair cut and went off to an interview later in the day. (Didn't come back home til 3 something). I am feeling a little tired from this morning and stressed because I still don't have a job yet.. and here is my husband possibly getting two jobs! Now, in my opinion there is something wrong with that picture. Now I am wanting to get another job so that I can have my own money and everything but right now, no one is calling me back.. and it is beginning to suck!!!!!
So... anyways, my mom is starting to feel better(well better than she was). I am thinking about going over there to see my daughter, but she said that she is going to be in Hastings for my lil sister so I don't know whether she is taking Jada with her or if she is going to leave her with my stepdad. So, I guess I am going to have to text her and see what is going on, if she is gonna be busy then I guess it is going to be a girl's day for me and my bestie(who is literally like my little sister). Cannot wait! Those dreams that I was having for a few days now stopped completely.. I don't know what had caused them to come into my mind in the first place(kidding! yeah- i do know.. it was fear). Not gonna say that the fear has left me completely, cuz I still feel it when stuff goes down between me and my husband.. but it has decreased itself from me a little bit more.. which I would consider a good thing. The record for me not cutting myself is still continuing.. I have not cut for what seems like a few months now(which is an accomplishment for me). There is one scar on my arm that stands out from the rest of them, and that is one of the reasons why I don't let people stare at my arm(or at least the under-side of it). There have still been times where I look into the mirror when everyone is gone and want to scream at my reflection.. for not being good enough, for not being pretty enough sometimes, and for not being so many things.. but that is also deceasing! The need for weed is decreasing as well.. I am wanting less and less of it now and it is a good feeling for me to be having right at this point in my life. I have never been so proud of myself like I am right now!
I cannot believe I have been married for almost 8 months so far! Still always feels like not that long ago we were standing in that little courtroom in front of friends sayin I do to eachother. I somehow knew that he was the one for me the first few months when after all the b.s was through that we were still hanging on. There has never been doubt in my mind about whether or not I had made the right decision of getting married this young, because of things that had happened to my own parents I was always afraid of getting married to anyone.. let alone falling in love with anyone and letting them have my heart completely. But he has proven me wrong about it, while being with him I have found myself letting my walls down(halfway), letting the fence around my heart shatter and some other stuff that has me changed.
Note: Take a good look into the mirror sometime and never forget the girl i used to be, I am who I am and no one can change me! (and try not to break the mirror in the process)!
Peace and Love!