I've started looking into liberal arts colleges for when I graduate the community college. I want a public liberal arts college where I can major in environmental studies and minor in either horticulture, botany, or sociology. I'd prefer somewhere in the Pacific Northwest; Oregon, Washington, Northern California. I wouldn't mind the East coast but I like the flora and fauna of the PNW better. Evergreen State College would be perfect: it's in Olympia, WA, has environmental studies, botany, sociology, as well as a few other fields of study that I find very interesting. The catch: Jordan goes to Evergreen. I know I shouldn't let him hinder me from applying and pursuing an education there. At the same time, I can't help but get that panicky feeling when I think about possibly seeing him on campus. Or what if he thinks I'm stalking him, or he spreads rumours about me? I'm sure he isn't that immature, though. But just being at the same school with him after everything that's happened...is it just me, or would other people find that difficult to deal with, too? I'm not sure what to do. Continue my search for a school similar to Evergreen and in the same area. That seems so redundant, though! Why not just apply to Evergreen instead of spending time looking for something just like it?

I'm in a period of change and choices must be made. I'm finding all this new information, all these areas of study that I want to learn more about and possibly pursue an education in. Environmental Studies, horticulture, botany, sociology, agriculture. There are so many areas in horticulture, even. Gardening, horticultural therapy. I want to learn about permaculture and organic farming. Native American Studies. There's so much I want to get involved in but where do I start? All of these areas of study are not located in one place. Some are in the PNW, some are all the way across the country in New York. Sustainable farming? Organic farming? Is that what I'm aiming toward? Really, just a greener way of living. I want to use this education to make the world a greener place. I want to live on a commune, working with a group of people to sustain ourselves without much interference from our 21st century culture.

So many ideas running through my head. I go to Evergreen, get a bachelors in Environmental Studies and another field of study. I want to go through WWOOF and work on an organic farm for a summer. Then I move across country to New York and go to the School of Living for permaculture and the New York Botanical Garden for horticulture. All of the time and money! Am I mature enough to do this? Can I focus and get good grades, pass classes, ensure I'll get a job that I want? Am I ready to commit to school? So far I haven't shown any sign of being ready to take on such responsibility. Then I get to thinking about what type of a job I would, could, would want to get. I don't want something where I'm stuck writing papers and doing research. I want hands on, using my knowledge of plants and the environment to act immediately. Which is why living on a commune or a farm would be ideal. It's too far in advance for me to be thinking about these things.

And if I go to Evergreen, will it be weird because of Jordan? Will it not be weird, will we reconnect? Could I even let myself apply there with the knowledge that if I get accepted, I'll be going to the same school as him? Can my self-esteem handle it? That's my major concern - I know my self-esteem couldn't handle it. If I felt confident about myself physically I might accept my oddities and not see them as the rotten cherry atop the fatty, curdled, pasty lump of ice cream that is my body. Maybe I should focus on getting myself to a point where I'm confident with my body then see how I feel about Evergreen. I know being so concerned with how I look on the outside is stupid and shallow, but for years now I've known that the only way I can really be happy with myself is if I have a positive body image. And the only way of obtaining a positive body image is to exercise, eat healthy, and lose this excess weight. I want to be sexy and look good naked. That is not a crime.

I know this is just me rambling, but I only ramble when I'm truly confused about something and don't know how to work it out. Any advice, even, "shut the fuck up and get over yourself," would help.