This is where the enigma begins. The tail end of some ordeal that has left me questioning my own existence has always some final whip to it. I’m making progress I think, more progress than I would have expected from myself when first returning from up north. I still hear his voice in my mind sometimes, taunting, relentless; poised on pushing me to the edge where I would flatten his nose to his face and he could finally have me fired. Masicist? Sadist? Antagonist? How about all three. His voice will be there a while longer I think, etched between the lobes of my brain until some epic phase of life washes it free.
I spent a particularly disheartening week with my girlfriend to find that after a year the passion seems to be waning. We’ve both sort of come out of the phenylethylamine love coma and our brains have adapted to the chemical maelstrom of early relationships to find that we don’t have a lot in common. She loves order, cooking, and has amazing administrative powers. I, on the other hand, love nature, exercising and have a need for adventure. I drove her out to Algonquin Park last week to do some trails. Now, I’ve loved Algonquin since I was five, going camping there every year. Even seeing those yellow and brown signs that suggest a provincial park sets my teeth on edge. She enjoyed it enough, I suppose, but I felt like I was forcing her the whole way.
I hate the stage of the relationship where you have to question your needs and the needs of your partner. Would I be better off with a girl who can keep up with me, someone who has an endless love for exercise and the wilderness as I do? Would my girlfriend be better off with someone who strives for a simple and comfortable life? I’m not dumb though, I’ve done the research. Men tend to question their relationships in what is called the ‘assessment stage’ and more often than not their judgements are far too rash. They (or we, I should say) tend to see the grass as greener on the other side of the fence and indeed socializing last night at my second Yoga class has certainly made it seem that way. But I’m not willing to give up yet. We have agreed to experiment with some things and discern whether or not we need to grow apart... I just don’t want it to be another one-sided end.