so i need a break from my mom stat. i am in a way too emeshed/co dependant relationship for my own good with her. i almost was convinced that it would be a good idea to move into the same damn building as her!! oh no.

i mean there was a reason why i moved out of living with her. she was over bearing,verbally and emotionally abusive at times. i need to spread my wings and fly. find my way in this world. struggle a bit. but come out feeling good about myself that i am taking care of myself that i can trust myself and others around me. that i dont need as much help as i believe at times. that i am smart,tough,strong and can make it on my own.

because the fact of the matter is i have been taking care of myself all along. sure my mom is my safety net shes been there for me. but only conditionally. on her terms, when she wants to. shes not always there for me and she hasnt been there when i needed her the most.

other than that. i am ok. not the best. i realize i need to treat myself better and take care of myself so i dont get run down.

tomm i see my psychiatrist. talk to her about my meds and my life and all that.

i bought 50 Shades of Grey. It wasnt horrible but it wasnt amazing either. its not a literary classic or anything. i was going to go right away to get the 2nd one but i stopped myself. i mean apart of becoming more self sufficient is budgetting and not splurging so much. especially because i dont have stable job right now. so i decided to sell some things on craigslist see if i get any bites and be more mindful of my spending and eat at home more often.

alot of the reason i spend so much money is because i get bored and feel empty and want something to do and somewher to go and i feel like i am not really doing anything unless i am spending money to do so. rarely will i take a walk just to take one without being on route to a store to buy something to eat, or buy something to entertain me. i am an expensive girl. so i also got this app for my ipod called mint. you go to mint.com and it finally came to canada and it offers my bank now. i havent fully set it up yet but i am excited, it connects to your bank account and tracks your money as you set up a budget. sounds pretty neat. i also researched to find my nearest library i like to read but books are so expensive even at walmart. plus after i am done its not like i read them again really. so i found a close library near me and will probably go this weekend to get a card.

i was supposed to go up north this weekend with some friends but one of my friends might not be able to go. hes kind of making excuses saying he might have to help his brother paint his bedroom, which is a lame excuse because we already made the plan before. i mean cant he prioritize? so hell let us know tomm. i think he just doesnt wanna go this weekend or at all. i am disapointed but i am not going to allow myself to get too torn up about it. plans change,people flake. if things are meant to be they will be.

tomm is my tv debut i am pretty sure, so i am excited and nervous about that. i am going to my grandmas in the afternoon to watch it since i dont have tv or cable at my house. so it will be nice to see her. she wants me to stay over night so i may. even though i am not crazy about the idea. either that or go home later at night which i am fine with but it is friday night and i hate the drunken weirdos that come out on the weekends.

i was also just browsing the internet looking at affordable housing options. i am in subsidized housing right now but i dont like my area much. its not horribly unsafe. i like my building for the most part and i feel pretty safe in the building itself. but i just feel like the area is not for me. my building is mostly for women and children and most of the programing and stuff is for the women and children. my area is Crip infested. (not really but there is crip activity.glad i decided to wear my blue bandana today) lots of creepy men and pervy guys around. i mean sometimes its nice to get cat called or complimented or hit on if its done respectful and all that. but its constant around my area. you cant look nice without men looking at you like they have never seen a woman before. you cant be invisible and just go on with your day to day errands without feeling like you are being visually raped with some creepy mans eyes. i dont like going outside at night and i wish i had a balcony. so i was looking up other subsidized housing with short waiting lists but i consider myself lucky. all the apartments that have short wait lists for bachleors are in really gang/really poor infested areas.. worse than my area. so i guess i feel more greatful i am not in a mixed male and female drug/gang/pervy men infested building like this one girl i know. my buildings got security and is secure. i hardly see many men in my lobby or in my building unless they are accompanied by a woman or child. but still like in my area i like to get out and just be able to sit somewhere and relax enjoy the weather. or go to a coffee shop just to get out of my apartment to read or whatever. but the coffee shops in the areas are full of single gross men for the most part. not a place where i could read my book in peace. so i settle for mcdonalds for now

. i dont know how long i can handle living where i live. i signed a one year lease. so i guessing i will stay for at least a year since i am not sure about where i could move to anyways. my ideal situation is to be able to afford market rent bachelor in a nice area with a balcony but thats dreaming for right now. i would need a good well paying steady job. and i dont feel emotionally ready for a full time well paid job right now. sso it will be a goal of mine. i am sick of living off the system. i know i am a motivated, smart, sucess driven person who in the right work enviroment can do well but i am still adjusting to living on my own.managing my moods,increasing my self esteem and self sufficiency and coping with the nightmares, the memories the panic atttacks. tryin to integrate meaningful relationships in my life. anyways a group faciliator that i quite like told me she will talk to a transitional housing worker for me about re locating eventually to a better area or housing options anyways.

i dont wanna move right away. i owe it to myself to give myself some stability. i hate moving all the time. i want to settle somewhat.  give myself a break. this is not the worst stuggle in my life. its just not an ideal living situation. but besides the area and all that are other past traumas and anxieties that are in the mix influencing my anxiety fear and judgements upon the place where i live.

anyways. dont have much else to say

gnight