so ima jot some things

for a couple weeks now ive been heading through some heavy stuff that i do not really want to get into, beacause i dont know the right or wrong of the situations myself. ya know? lol

Well about a week and a half ago i was typically heading into the gym to get some excercise and "practice" for my dancing but lately its been so hard to tap into that zone cuz my brain would be in a different place, but theres some slight comfort in looking at the down as part of a grander adventure with a magical quality sown into every up and down moment.

typically not expecting to really break out of my mind I went at it with a not so great attitude like i have been, more like "I need to dance. because its the only thing that will make me feel better" "...hopefully"  and needless to say. thats not what dance is about it should be "i need to dance CUZ I NEED TO DANCEEE" ya know?

but then something great started to tie in. I saw a dude who had danced inside the same room as me before but we were so interested in our music that we payed not much attention to eachother and never met. this night i introduced myself to him out of the sheer need to compliment his amazing dance skill, he had specialized in an amazing movement form called "locking" which primary use was used to truly get down to str8 funk music. so its all about that funky feeling! he asked me if had heard about a man named kyozo, who apparently is a very strong influence on the underground bboy/dance community. then he gave me an important pointer to slow down my dance, its problem was that it was getting way too fast and out of control, lacking the ability for the viewer to truly SEE the moves. so basically it hit me as very intense and clear symbolism to my own life. The reason my dancing lacked my personal style and flow was because it was entirely missing ME. it only became a constant wave of synapses by my brain that I was learning to just put on auto pilot! i had done it so much, my brian would allow me to even think of things while i dance.

That night i tried slowing it down, and really having FUn and enjoying each beat, and imbue my own style into each of them, without even giving much attention to the next. The result was a flow of energy i had (literally no embellishment) never seen from myself before, but not energy in terms of speed or quantities of movements, but pure unreplacable quality that felt like my soul shining through to each and every canvas of my sillhoute i drew on the mirror. i literally broke into tears of joy i felt so incredible

symboliccaly of course this hit me like a brick, like many peoples lives, i have been not paying enough attention to the moment at hand and constantly projecting a future of which fear and anxiety arise from these mental images thus bringing up alot of past as well, taking my personality and true state of being away from my soul and streight to my brain or not even that., and that being the core of my buddhist Teachings one would of thought i would of gotten it by now

that night at around 10:20 pm after dancing for almost hour i "let loose" not just like in a good in the zone way, but i truly stopped all thought processes and even stopped the thought processes assiciated with DANCE ITSELF. of course Me and any other sane person would think that the lack of thought process to create artistic movement would result in shitty confusing dysfunctional movement if not none at all. ThiS IS NOT TRUE.  I basically flew on a stream of light from my brain to my inner body and realized (SO FAR atleast) I am only tangibly truly myself through dance. And ive found that the person inside of me is so full of love and joy for everything that imbueing my dancer into my daily life is the only real challenge i face

needless to say, im not feeling very poetic right now but the feeling i remember on that beautiful night will defiantly help me overcome some intense challenges that become present in my life whatever they may be, and be flames for the fire of whatever artistic medium i decide to express in later.

which is totally freakin sweet