I'm back from my weekend away. It was an alright weekend, all I did was go to Wal-Mart in OKC, and sit at my cousin Brandon's house with his wife and kids but at least I got out of my house for a few days at least.
But instead of making me happy it made me even more depressed.
Watching Brandon with his three kids, it made me realize I'm getting old, I'll be 30 yrs. in Sept. and here I sit, jobless, single, sleeping on a couch, loveless and hopeless. Being there with Brandon and his kids made me realize what I want, well I'm not 100% sure of the kids, but I know I want a life of my own, a little house with a mail box out front and a flower bed, and a porch swing. I want someone to share my life with, to cook breakfast with, to argue with over the wet towels on the floor, someone to curl up next to on a Sunday morning and watch t.v. until we decide it's nap time. I just want to do normal stuff that women my age do.
I guess turning 30 has got me doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I mean I won't marry the first guy who comes along, and I don't want to get married just so I can escape, but I would like to be married one day, have that bond, that love, that life with someone.
But that's hard to come by when I don't leave the house very often, and the guys I do meet are either assholes or don't get my situation and aren't able to deal with it so they bail.
So being married in the near future is not going to happen.
I just realized that I might actually end up alone. It might just be and my dogs living in some apartment somewhere, me working some meaningless job, and just existing.
I know everyone will say "You're still young, you have time" I thought by 30, I'd have a house, a job, a husband, a book written, a life, but it didn't turn out that way and I can't help but feel it may never turn out that way.
I realize that I need to focus more on myself than on a guy to love me, and I am, trust me, I have realized what's wrong with me and what I need to work on.
My trust issues, my insecurities, my negative attitude, the wall I have up, I realize there are a lot of things I need to work on and I know I need to love myself before I can expect anyone else to love me, and I do love myself, most of the time....well parts of me anyway.
I just hate that like for example David, who I am interested in, who seems like a well rounded, down to earth, great guy, except for one thing, he doesn't understand why I can't just up and leave at a moments notice, he is constantly telling me how I need to get a car (as if it's just that easy when you're broke)
He told me the other night "I just want to see you" which should of made me smile and give me butterflies but instead all I could think of was how I was going to manage that, I was gone all weekend, and I don't think Lynn would like me going out on a date next weekend, so when I think of this I realize how stupid I am for ever thinking a guy like David will stick around. He will eventually get sick of it and just bail like they all have, and I don't blame him if he does.
I haven't really opened up to David about anything really other than I'm my grandma's caregiver, mostly cause I don't think he'll understand, and mostly cause I sound so...I sound like a loser. I sound like a bum, I sound like a worthless, jobless, piece of shit.
And like I said in previous entries, David is way out of my league as it is, so I'm sure he doesn't want to date a loser.
It's just, I think I've lost hope.
I don't think I believe in love anymore, not like family love, like romantic love.
I don't believe there will be a guy who will come into my life and say "I understand why you do what you do, and I think it's great, and I want to be with you anyway"
He's not out there and if he was, he got hit by a truck.
I didn't always used to be this way. I was so optimistic, so filled with love, so excited about whatever life had in store, I was always smiling, always believing something great was around the corner, but then..thing changed, I changed, and here I am.
I want to believe in it all again...but that too is hopeless.
I did have a nice weekend, I spent some time with Brandon's kiddos who are absolutely adorable, had a change of scenery.
It made me realize a lot of things though...a lot of things.