I don't want to write about this, but I have never felt more like I've got nobody to talk to in my whole life.
I'm not used to feeling this kind of lonely. I've felt lonely in the sense that I want somebody close to me.
But never before have I felt like all of my friends are too busy to hear what I need to cry about. Literally. I feel pathetic, sat here at 2:02am at my laptop, crying and writing in an online diary. But, I really just need to get it out. I can't talk to my family about this, because we just don't ever. I think to them, some things are better best forgotten.
I know some people who are going to read this are going to judge the shit out of me, and let them. I judge myself everyday because of it.
I haven't wrote in here for a while because I haven't felt like I could. This has been on my mind for ages and it's been driving me absolutely crazy. I didn't even want to write it on here because I'm ashamed. So ashamed I can't even begin to describe. So fuck it, here goes.
About 3 years ago, I met a guy named Chris. I thought he was wonderful, and we hit it off straight away. After a while, we became more than just friends, we started seeing each other and eventually started sleeping together. I've never been one for bringing guys home to my parents, so I didn't. After we'd exchanged the initial "I love you" words, it was time. I went to my Uncle's house one day and he was over the moon, kept saying he had major news. He told me that his wife who left when she was pregnant with his child 20 years ago had got in touch and he was going to get to meet his son. He was thrilled. I was happy for him. Until I met his son, Chris. The same Chris I'd been sleeping with. I couldn't believe it. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. We decided to just stop and not tell anybody.
So, a few weeks later, I was staying with Amber for the night. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel right. I assumed it was because of the two bottles of wine we'd drunk the night before. But then the next day I felt sick and for a few days after that. I told Amber over the phone and she asked me to stay over hers the next night. I did that and when we got up in the morning, she handed me a cup of tea and a pregnancy test. It didn't even cross my mind. So, we huddled in the bathroom and I peed on the little stick. About 15 seconds later, there were two little lines. I went dizzy and almost passed out so we sat down on the floor and Amber just held me while I cried my eyes out. We did another to be sure. Again, two lines.
I was terrified. Terrified to tell anybody. I didn't know what I was going to say, what I was going to do. I was scared that my parents would disown me and I couldn't stop thinking about my uncle. He was so thrilled to have his son after all this time. So, I went to the doctors and told him I needed a termination. I made an appointment at the hospital. I was going to go and not tell anybody except Amber and Chris. I told Chris and he told me "You have to get rid of it." He said he wouldn't come with me, before I even thought about asking him. I didn't want to ask Amber because she has a daughter and I didn't feel like it would be fair. She told me she would go, and she was, whether I liked it or not. I was quite relieved because I was scared to death and so sad about what I was going to do.
The night before my first appointment at the hospital, which was just for a scan, consultation and blood tests, I stayed at Amber's. Neither of us slept and we just stayed up the whole night, sat infront of her fireplace with me crying in her lap. The next morning, we made our way to the hospital. I was so shocked at how many people were there waiting for what I was. And so many of them didn't even seem slightly phased by what was going on. When they called my name, I told Amber to wait in the waiting room. I walked towards the room and before I got through it, I just broke down in tears. The nurse went and got Amber and she got me undressed and put the gown on me. Because it was so early on, they told me it would be an internal scan and they told me to not look at the screen. I asked Amber to not look and she said she wouldn't. So, I lay there on the hospital bed crying with Amber holding my hand. I remember the next part so vividly. At one point, I looked at Amber, just as she looked at the monitor. Her face just changed. Then she started to cry too. All I wanted to do was look at that screen. I had to. I wish I hadn't because when I did, I felt what she saw. What looked like a little black and white peanut. But that was enough, it was like I could literally feel my heart breaking.
After we'd made the next appointment and left, I just felt so numb. It was so weird. Seeing that screen had made it real. I knew what I had to do. Tell my parents and whoever else needed to know. We got back to Ambers and I told her I couldn't do it. I've always been against people getting abortions because of their own stupidity and now I was in that very situation. I decided that I was going to be honest because that was the only way I was going to be able to keep the baby. So, the next day, I met up with Chris in the daytime and told him what I was doing. He wasn't happy at all but I was past caring. It wasn't about Chris anymore. The thought of having an abortion was tearing me apart. He told me that if I told my parents because I wanted to keep it, he would stick around and face the consequences but would never talk to me again. I told him that was fine and if he wanted to tell his dad before my parents did, he had until 9 O'clock because that's when I would be telling my parents.
Amber came with me to see them. We sat in the kitchen. Me, Amber and my Mum and Dad. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say, where to start. I just sat there crying. Then my dad was like "You're seriously worrying me Rach. What is it?" And I just said "I slept with Chris." My dad was like "Chris who?" I said "Chris, as in Chris. You're nephew." He went white. Pale as a ghost. I just looked at the floor and held Amber's hand. He started shouting at me. And I said "That's not all. I'm pregnant" Both of my parents started crying, which made me cry even more. I explained it was before I knew, obviously and he just kept saying "That doesn't make it right." "This isn't right." I was hoping with all my heart that he was going to just tell me things would be okay. I wanted him to give me a hug and tell me we could work it out. But instead he said "You're getting rid of it."
I explained that I'd been to the hospital the day before and what had happened, about my next appointment and everything. I then told them I couldn't do it. My dad kept telling me I had to. I kept telling him I couldn't. Then he said it. "Well, you've got a choice. That baby or the rest of your family." I knew he would be pissed. And I knew I was in alot of trouble but I really wasn't expecting that kind of ultimatum. I kneeled infront of him and was crying, begging him to not make me choose. And he said "It's your choice. Get out and come back when you've made it."
I didn't go home for a few days. I stayed with Amber. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. By this point, my uncle and the rest of the family knew. My relatives were calling me up, saying all kinds of nasty things. I didn't expect much more than that but it was hard to deal with at the time. My aunty Tracey was the only one who came to see me and was kind to me. I asked her if she thought my dad would change his mind, she said no. I asked what if I kept it, did she think he'd forgive me eventually? She said no. The day before my next appointment was due, I had to go home and beg my dad one more time. When I got there, the kids were all there. Owen and Ashley came running up to me when I got in, telling me they'd missed me so much and asking where I'd been. It killed me. It wasn't a choice between my baby and my parents. It was a choice between my brothers and sisters and my baby. I couldn't imagine not seeing them anymore, not being a part of their life. So the next morning, after sitting up all night with my dad, I packed me stuff and my Mum took me to the hospital. The appointment was the first of two. This one was only to take a little pill. While we were in the hospital, just me and my mum. I begged her to make dad change his mind and she said she couldn't. I had to go back three days later for the actual termination. Those three days were the hardest and longest three in my whole life. I lied in bed crying the whole time. I couldn't stop thinking all weekend that I was here with a baby I'd killed inside of me. I had no appetite and everytime I tried to eat something, I just threw it straight back up.
So, Monday morning came and it was time to go. I felt exhausted, devastated and broken. We got to the hospital and as soon as I got out of the car, I threw up all over the car park, then the reception area. When we got into my room, the nurse came in with the tablets that were to be inserted and told us the routine. She said about an hour after she inserts the tablets, I would need to take a pill to start things up. So I did this. After about three hours, nothing had happened. I was scared so my Mum called the nurse and she came back with more pills. Nothing happened still. I hadn't eaten or drunk anything bar water with my tablets so mum went and got me a coke. As soon as I took the first sip, I started heaving. I got up and went to the sink. I was heaving over the sink so hard but nothing was coming up. Then I heaved and vomited. And something must have happened because my legs just suddenly felt warm and wet. I looked down and there was blood everywhere. All over me, all over the floor. They got some more nurses in and when they took my PJ bottoms off, everything was in there. Even the fetus. I freaked out when I saw it and passed out on the floor. The next thing I knew, I was in the bed in a hospital gown. The rest of the day seemed like a week. At about 9 in the night, they told me I could go home. They told me I'd have a regular period for about a week and that would be that. When I got home, my Dad was crying. That day my Granddad (His mum's husband) had died. He'd had an operation on his throat for cancer and bled out somehow at the bottom of the stairs.
I didn't leave my bedroom for about a week after that. I couldn't face anybody, not even Amber. Although she called everyday and sat outside my door talking to me. I couldn't look my parents in the eye. I felt destroyed. I knew it was my fault, but I just felt so sad.
The first time I went out afterwards was to the shop. When walking home, I started getting a real bad pain in my stomach. When I got home, I noticed blood running down my leg. Alot of blood. I sat over the bath and took my pants off. There was blood literally gushing out of me. I freaked out and called my mum. She phoned an ambulance. I felt ill. The woman from the emergency service operator told my mum to sit me on the toilet. By this time, there was clots of blood literally falling out of me. I was dizzy and cold but sweating. The first response guy turned up and I remember being sat on the toilet. He was talking to me and his voice started to fade and everything I could see was starting to fade too. Then it was total silence and blackness. I remember thinking 'Oh my God, I'm going to die sat on a toilet' and that was that. The next things I remember are just flashes, being carried down the stairs on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on. In the ambulance being put on a drip. The hospital lights as we went down a corridor. The sound of the man in the cubicle next to me having his leg snapped back into place. Lying in the corridor while they waited for a room to clear. The nurse telling my Mum and aunty Tracey that it sounded like there was maybe another fetus inside me and it could have possibly been twins and they missed it.
I came around properly when I was in the hospital room. Turns on there was a huge blood clot stuck and they had to get it out. They put me to sleep and when I woke up again, I felt fine if not tired and sore. The next morning, they let me go home.
That's pretty much the jist of it. Chris fucked off to London the day after I told my parents and he told his dad. Haven't seen him since. Things took ages but are now okay with my dad but I can't help feeling a little resentment towards him whenever we have an argument.
I know it's my fault. But I never wanted all that. It was just something that went terribly wrong. I had to get it out. I have nobody I can talk to this about. Amber is pretty much tied up with her uni work and her boyfriend and I just really needed to vent.
Every single day, I think what if things had gone differently, what would I be doing now. On the 19th of this month, it will have been two years since my abortion. It doesn't get easier to forget, but it seems to have gotten easier to pretend to not be so bothered by it.
I never thought that was something I'd have to do in my whole life. I feel guilty and ashamed.