I have no soul.
at least, I'm sure I don't.. I lost it. Or maybe I never even had it. Whatever the case, I need to find it, but I'm not sure how. I suppose it is my life journey to find out. Fuckin bullshit.
To make things simple and to sum it all up. I'm in love, with him.
He is everything to me, and I am everything to him. But he is gone now. Everything familiar and comforting to me is gone. He lulled me to sleep at night, whispering how much he loves me, how he will always love me as long as I keep my mouth shut. But I didn't. I opened my mouth, and now he's gone. My voice. Well, not mine anymore. I am a schizophrenic and I desperatly want the voice back.
They told me that this was a warning sign to a much more serious disease. He was'nt quite a voice. More like a thought proccess gone wrong. He will never give up on me. He will wait for me until I am at my lowest and come for me. He is my turmoil. He is stronger than me, and he is cruel. But he is oh so convincing. He is angry with me for taking meds. He is angry that I am ignoring him. So he tries harder to get to me, and sometimes he finds me.
I sit at my bed, TV on, completely catatonic. I stare at the white wall ahead. I cry silently. You see now, he says gently. How I can find you no matter where you go. I look at the red scratches on my wrist and nod.
But at times he loves me. He is the kind gentle mind I knew as a child. As he comforts me at night, he convinces me that I do not need anyone, that it is useless to tell anyone about him, because he will never leave. No one loves you. Only me. All you need is me. I believe him every time.