|Where to Go From Here?|
I think I may be allergic to my boyfriend's semen. I looked up if it was even possible and apparently it is, it's just rare. See, the first time we had sex I got a bacterial infection called bacterial vaginosis that my doctor said was caused by the introduction of his sperm to my vagina because I was new to it. You can get it even if you haven't had sex because it's the overproduction of bacteria (keeping it too clean can do that because you kill the good bacteria and the bad multiplies), but I've never had it before and the symptoms started shortly after "coitus". Anyway, they gave me antibiotics and all was good. I think either I keep getting this vaginosis, or I'm allergic to his sperm. I've never gotten an infection with a guy before. I mean, I'm glad I have no stds, I got tested after he and I had sex and all I had was the bacterial infection (Although technically that's considered one, but I mean, not something extreme), but i wish I didn't have this issue. It kind of makes me not want to do anything..
It seems like everything on tv this morning is about pregnancy and abortions. I was watching Living Single where Max got pregnant, and then Sex and the City when Miranda was contemplating an abortion and decided to keep it. Le sigh.
I don't know how my relationship with Rocky is going. I love him and all...I don't know. He told me one time after the condom came off during sex (when we were still using it before I was on birth control and we'd gotten tested to make sure it was all good.) that if I got pregnant anytime in the next few years that I'd have to get an abortion. Because his family would shun him or something for having a kid out of wedlock. But his cousin is having a baby out of wedlock and everything is pretty much fine.. I shouldn't have to worry about that with a boyfriend. And I don't think I could go through it again. I'd have to choose the baby over him.
I feel like he wants to control me. He doesn't want me living with my mom, and she wants me to live with her for a few years. I told her I would live with her for one year. He doesn't even like that, but I don't have the money to have an apartment by myself until he decides he can move in with me instead of spending all his money on fixing his cars.
I got rid of my cats. Not completely because of him. My cousin is allergic and even though at the time I was planning on moving into the apartment, she refused to suffer through a month of cats. Anyway, he had told me whenever we move in together I had to get rid of them. I'm kind of glad my cousin got me to get rid of them rather than having him make me do it.
He doesn't like hardly any of my friends. He likes Jamie and Rob. That's it. He refuses to hang out if Heath is at Jamie's, and he's gotten that way with Miranda too (She and I are kind of sort of okay now.) I understand not liking them, sometimes I don't like them, but refusing to hang out if they're there? We usually can't hang out until night time and there's really nothing to do besides go to Jamie's or out to eat. When I go to his place, he starts to fall asleep, so it's a waste of an hour drive for me. He doesn't like coming to my mom's, he's been here a handful of times. And I can't go out to eat multiple times a week. Lately I've been just wanting to stay home. I'm so tired of people.
I'm going to spend this summer and this semester off from school bettering myself. I've read two books in three days, and I went to the gym last night. I plan to spend this time off reading, working out, eating better, and quitting smoking. It's weird, and I don't want him to feel neglected, but sometimes I'd rather stay in than go drive and see him. I'd be fine if he came here, but that's unlikely to happen. I hate driving, since the wreck, and I've driven so much to see Rocky almost every other night. And whenever I see him we go out to eat, and I don't have the money or calories for that.
I know he's tired of me too. Up until me all the girls he's been with had issues with their periods. One girl only had hers twice a year. So every time I warn him I may be pmsing, he's like "WTF! You just had it." haha I don't blame my bitchiness on pms, but I warn him just in case.
I feel very detached from my friends. Miranda and Garett, obviously, since the fight. Taylor because Garett told me she had said I was being stalkerish at some point before Rocky and I'm not one to be clingy. I don't like the idea of my friends feeling that way. I've seen Taylor like three or four times since I found that out. Casey and I were doing good, I've seen her twice, we had been texting, but then her husband broke her phone.
I'm guessing it's not Rocky at all. I think it's just me. I'm tired of everyone. Everything. I want to move 100 miles away and start over. I can't live where I want because I have to watch my demented grandmother. I have to share a bedroom with my mom in a room that barely fits a full sized bed. I had to get rid of my cats that I raised and bottle fed. I can't go to school this semester because they still haven't received my freaking transcript.
I think that's why I feel controlled by Rocky. I feel like I have no control over my life right now so anytime he wants me to do something I feel controlled, but he's not trying to be like that.