Ok, so I promise that I am actually doing well, but these are just the things that are worrying me at the moment. I feel the need to indulge my angst for a bit.
Things didn't work with E. I understand that. I know that I should be moving on. But, I got into the habit of creating this elaborate future fantasy for us, and it's gone now. And now, I feel like I'm floundering, looking for some sort of meaningful relationship. I found myself subbing in other friends for E, and I don't feel that way about any of them. I just need some sort of hope that I will be with someone in the future.
Recently, I tried chatting online on one of those dating sites. I sunk over $50 bucks into it, and canceled my account on the first day. As soon as someone started talking to me, I freaked. I mean, all the wonderful signs of oncoming panic attack and such. So, I just hid. Even though I know that was just an isolated incident, I'm worried that I'll never be able to let down my guard enough to even go on a date. I've never been on a date, never been kissed, never held hands. I'm completely new to all this when I should already know what I'm doing. I'm scared that I'll be alone forever, that if anyone ever does want a relationship with me that I'll run the other way.
In addition, It doesn't help being gay. That severely limits the pool of potential 'fish in the sea'. And I'm not exactly comfortable with announcing my sexuality to the world, so what if I meet my perfect match, and she doesn't even know that I'd be willing to give it a shot. I mean, how do you meet other lesbians without showing everyone that you're gay. I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. While my friends and family are gay friendly, I don't actually live in a gay friendly region (hooray for the bible belt). I'm just worried and confused. I know I don't have to have my whole life figured out, but I'd like there to be a bit less grey area in my future.