Andrew. My youngest brother is an Autistic child with anger management issues and behavior difficulties. Now this boy may be a complete pain in the fucking ass sometimes, but he's the light of my home-life. He's the one reason I haven't moved out sooner. Because I didn't want to leave him here. Leave him to get bullied and to be beaten up by those horrible kids that have no right to life themselves.

Andrew has been on medication for a long time to help him deal with everything he struggles with on a day-to-day basis. And tonight, I found out that the drug he'd been on for years was Resperidone. Now, to those that have read all of my entries, you'll remember that I've also been on this drug. This particular drug on combination with Prozac had ruined all of my stability and my life itself. I was ruined, a wreck on the school boards of Hanley Castle and a hazard to the other children at school.

Seeing this drug on the livingroom table after Andrew admitted to me he took these drugs froze everything that I felt was real. I felt sick, I felt isolated and I wanted everything to erase that image in my head. I wanted everything to forget what I had just found out and I wanted to just crawl into a dark corner somewhere and cry.. I still do. But I'm not allowed. I just stood and stared at it for about 10minutes.. When I came too I realised I was crying and I just... Couldn't move.

I managed to move upstairs to make sure both the boys were in bed, and then I rang my mother. Had yet another breakdown whilst she told me that he'd been on this medication for years. And that I had nothing to worry about. I told her that I had had a horrible reaction on this and that I was scared about what Andrew would really be going through. And she told me that it was another drug where he had the same reaction. That I needed to calm down and that we'd talk about it when she got home.

I just fell... Numb and just... I don't know. I am on the verge of crying my eyes out and wanting to hide the drugs where no one will find them, or getting angry and taking them myself to stop Andrew from being on them for a few days whilst they have to get a repeat prescription. Yes, that would mean I would overdose on a drug that can be used for sleeping tablets, schizophrenia and anger management. And I would do it, if I knew it would save my brother.. But it won't. Andrew would get some more and it isn't having the same effect on him as it did to me anyway.. I just... I never want to see that again.. I ..

My mind is aching and my soul feels as if it's dampened somehow.. Like I felt when I was on it, and like I felt in Jan-Mar when I was at my worst..

And I don't know why..

I'm sorry.. I can't continue with this..