|Defence Of Chemical Madness|
I doubt myself too much, don't I? Oh, to anyone who is listening, tell me I'm worth a hell of a lot more than I feel inside.. I, do I hurt people with every motion? Should I feel hurt by others if I can destroy something so easily?
I don't mean to be so completely and utter hateful, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to wake up in the evening, crawling in my own skin and silently crying to myself. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning afterwards knowing I have to go through all of that again. I don't want to wonder around this space I call 'life' if I just continuously don't want to be there. Why does everything seem to hurt now-a-days?
And I allowed to wonder through life, completely unaware of the pain I cause to someone indirectly? Should I really be allowed to make the difference between the happiness and the sadness of someone else? Why is it everyone can come straight to me and feel it's safe in my hands, my words mean nothing but softness and intention of success and happiness when I don't feel safe to leave myself alone for a moment? How can things get so bad in the space of a second..?
Is that why I'm never alone? Is that why I choose not to be alone with anyone else, but Joshua? But even then, though my reasons won't be clear now, I feel sometimes he enjoys himself a lot more when he's out alone with his friends and incredibly held back when I'm around.. I don't want him to change from the Joshua that his friends know just so he can collide correctly with me.. I don't want him to change his plans to spend time with me, I don't want him to have to cancel anything with anyone else. I..
I don't want to be alone either...
In reverse, I feel maybe I talk to the wrong people. Try and reach out to those who really don't want it.. Sorry if I cause irritation by that moment too.
I'm going to pick up the pieces
Until later, most likely.
- Zi x