Last night as I lay in bed, I'm getting things together in my head. Laundry, dishes, vacuum, trash. I had every intention on getting this house cleaned up this weekend while the boyfriend is away hunting. I've let it go because I haven't been feeling all too great the past week and a half. S has been trying to help when he gets home from work, but there's only so much he can do. I feel bad watching him clean up after having a full day of work. I wake up this morning to a stuffy nose and a dizzy head. Now I feel worse than ever! So glad I don't have a fever to go with it. So now the dishes sit growing new life forms in the sink. The laundry sits untouched nice and clean from S, who even seperated them. And everytime I get up to drag myself through the day, my head says 'nope, don't think so, sit your ass down'. I kind of like to clean because afterwards I get to light my nice smelling candles, which give of a scent of buttered rum, and look around at a nice clean house. I'm going to get it done,even if it takes me two days to gradually get it all done.

     Things are going a bit better with S. After telling him I'm going on strike we haven't had a chance to actually talk about why. I told him in a text that he should be comfortable with me after a year of dating and living together, and if he doesn't make more of an effort to be more affectionate and make more advances in bed, then maybe we aren't right for each and should just be friends. I told him I was going on strike for the time being and if he wants anything in bed or wants my attention he'll have to do it all. I'm not going to even touch him while we sleep to cuddle. I want to show him what it's like, but I don't think it will really work. I'm scared if I keep to these extremes he might find attention elsewhere. But I'm going to stick to it. I'm tired of feeling starved for any affection. It's pretty bad when I get extra excited when he just puts his hand on my knee. Not excited like horny, but excited like a red headed step child that just got told 'good job' after years of being ignored. At the end of december I will either be single living with a room-mate who is also my ex, or I will finally be truly happy and get the attention I deserve. Either way things ARE going to change. I'm so tired of writing about this situation. I feel like a broken record. I have other things I'd like to spill but my head hurts too much to keep staring at this screen. It truly sucks to realize that 8 out of 10 entries I write is about not feeling well and my relationship troubles.