| Little Rainbow Lady. |
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3:18am.
Janey and I went to the Mac's Hotel this past night. I was never all that keen on going in the first place, but yielded to Jane's persuasion and went. After only an hour there I wanted to come home, but stuck it it until two o'clock in the bloody morning, till the place closed. Jane got herself just about obliviated, or she is obliviated. They say the truth comes out when you are drunk, and if that is true then I suppose I should be happy, because what come out to night was that Jane doesn't want me to move out, but then again maybe that's only because of money, having someone to pay half the rent? 5:53am. I am getting the worst night of sleep ever! Jane and possibly the bloke she bought home from Mac's Hotel have not long gone to bed, but they have stayed up until this time doing gawd knows what... I don't know, I haven't been paying attention but instead trying to tune them out and sleep, all I could hear for hours though was Jane talking, telling this bloke her life story. She talked about her parents, her sons, and a bit of drug history. Most of it I've heard before, like the stories regarding her parents and children, she brings up the same ones again and again. She was also telling this bloke about her coming off the Methadone and how she was on the Speed to help her get through it, that is one story she hadn't already talked to me about it, but I guess it's understandable that she doesn't want to talk to me about drugs. Besides, I already knew she was on something throughout that time, she's always on something, I just thought it was Ice rather then Speed. Oh well, whatever! I do care, so I'm not even going to attempt pretending or stating that I don't, but I am also resigned about it now, as in I've excepted the fact that the possibility of me influencing her away from hard drugs is very minimal and that it does not pay to push her to hard. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely given up, and I am still trying, but with different tactics, in a quieter, gentler and more subtle way. 10:54am. Well, I am dressed and ready for the races, just waiting on Janey now. I went into her bathroom before, where she was of course, I went to ask her if she still had a pair of leggings I could borrow. Any way, as I stood in the door way on the bath room the very first thing I noticed but didn't mention a word about was the bruising on the inside of her left arm. The other day I noticed a new needle spot in that arm, further to the outside of her seemingly usual needle spot, but it was just a spot, so I near gasped when I saw the bruising. Maybe that's normal for her and it will disappear with a short period of time, or maybe she covers it in make up, hence the reason I've never seen bruising before, or maybe this a once off thing, maybe she messed up this time? I don't know, and I suppose it doesn't matter, it was just a saddening shock. Despite the fact that it was clear she has stuck a needle in her arm just this morning she still seemed a little stand-offish and stressed. Sighs. I cannot believe I am doing this, going to these bloody races. I've cold feet. Blargh. Last night while out at the Mac's Hotel Jane got me out on the dance floor, which there was only a handful of people on, not enough to hide in, but I danced, despite being a long way out of my comfort zone and so unsure as to what to do. And what I'm really getting at it while we were out there on the dance floor some seemingly dyke girl approached Jane, and started dancing in her face. I swear to gawd this girl was hitting on Jane! Hahaha! No, it's no laughing matter because in truth I was that little bit jealous, and I am totally not a jealous person. I never get jealous over anything, or at least I never used to, it is an emotion or feeling that I started to feel a little more then I'd like to admit, since the time of Meningi. Jane is still getting ready. I wish she'd get moving, I want to go, now before I get cold feet. I am already getting cold feet. Blargh. I am prioritizing so terribly. I shouldn't be spending this money, I should be out chasing a job, I should being going into the City today to see Whittaker! Gawd, I can be a fucking idiot. In only two weeks I am supposed to be moving in with Jane Davey and I haven't got the money for it. Fuck my life!
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