Okey Dokey...oh crap! My Dad always said that and well I always thought it was annoying. So...let's start again!
This is my first ever attempt at blogging. Not real sure of the purpose, or what I'm hoping to achieve, but maybe I'll be able to clear my head with all my evil thoughts :) (j/k!----kinda) So where does one start when starting a blog? I guess my introduction sort of started things off, hmmm....
Tonight I was mindlessly scrolling around on FB...because the fact that the dishes need washed, there's laundry to do, my living room needs vacuumed and my dog likely want/need to go out...I thought FB was a much better way to spend my Thursday evening! I have been seeing blogs posted and some status updates about a woman, my exact age, who passed away from cancer last week. First of all, cancer is an awful, awful way to die (not that there's a good way....so anyway) after I got over the shock that this beautiful woman is MY AGE and she died. from. cancer.*gulp* how tragic is that?! My second thought...wow, could I die at such a young age? What if? All the things I haven't done! All the places I haven't seen. All the things I haven't said......
And you'd think I learned my lesson, having lost my mother to cancer when I was 23 years old (she only 44!). But no, instead I continue to think "there's always tomorrow"...but is there?
Losing my mom at 23 was the worst day of my life. 23?!?! I thought I was so grown and mature and had all the answers...boy was I wrong! I knew nothing about how to grieve, pay bills (yes, I'm ashamed to admit I was still living at home!), how to plan a funeral (omg...you actually have to pick out the crypt, metal thingy that goes in the ground outside the casket...I was NOT prepared for that!)....I didn't even know how to tell people! The one thing I did learn...I was now a member of a club, that no one wanted to be a part of. It's not like becoming a parent (not like I would know just yet...but I can imagine that's a happy group to join!).....it's that look in people's eyes when you tell them you're a member of the "i lost a parent" club. Instantly people say "i'm sorry". Hell, even I've said I'm sorry in these situations! But what does that mean? Why do people apologize? It's not like they were the cancer that took my mom from me! It's just awkward...because the only response can either be "thank you" or "its ok". Which I find myself saying the latter because I instantly find myself feeling sorry for this person, for putting them in this situation. How ridiculous is that?? LOL
Another thing I learned? I NEVER want anyone to experience this kind of of pain...ever! But I can't stop that. And there's certainly nothing I can say to take away anyone's pain. But the one thing I HAVE to say to someone (whether they want to hear it or not) is that, it will never get better, it will never stop hurting...but time will ease that pain some and you will cope. You will learn to cope, with time. Time does not heal wounds, time allows us to go on living, but turning that pain into a deeper part of who we are.
It's been almost 8 years since my Mom passed. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. That I don't wonder what she might say about what I'm doing these days. About what kind of joke she would make about me when I tell her something stupid I did during the day. About if she would like the man I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with. And I wonder if she would tell me I'm a slob and tell me 9 times to clean up already!?!
This time of year is always the hardest too...it was the day after Thanksgiving 10 years ago that we first found out about the cancer. My birthday, Christmas and her birthday are all in December. And until I met Mike and we became engaged, while I ADORE my family and, honestly couldn't possibly be where I am today without them....I didn't know where I fit. My Mom and Dad were never married and so it was always just my Mom and me. When she was gone, my family suddenly appeared to be sectioned off little families...and then me. How depressing and sad is that?!? No one ever made me feel that way. And if they ever knew I even thought that, they would probably punch me in the mouth! But I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and wondering....where do I fit? How do my cousins, for example, explain who I am when they bring a new g/f or b/f around? I didn't want to be the girl whose Mom died. I didn't want to be that person to ANYONE! EVER!
So I set out to be Amy. The girl who has her Masters Degree. Who is a juvenile probation officer. Who has two puppies, who I don't know how I lived without!. The girl who is too sarcastic for her own good. The girl who is too independent for her own good....but can overcome anything thrown her way! The girl who may not be perfect,but is perfectly her...and that my friends, is who I am. Me. Amy. Just me! And I know my Mom would be proud...despite her not beating the odds of her cancer, I'd like to think that she beat the odds of being a single parent and raised a strong, well-adjusted (jury may still be out on this one..lol) daughter who grew up to do something she loves and something important!