Lately, I've been writing a lot, about how the disease has been consuming me. Even though I am still attending OA meetings, and trying to work on a plan, to "change" all this shit, I haven't taken action. I mean REAL, serious action. Remember that book I wrote about, many months ago: "Telling Ed No!" ?? Well, I ended up buying the book, and I am going to work through all the exercises. It's a step toward recovery. I need to take a step. Today, I will work through exercise #1. Some of these will be redundant, because I know I did it, in the past, but now I will work them in order, taking a step a day (or maybe every couple of days). If anyone wants to do this with me, I would welcome it.
Looking back, what are some of our earliest memories of disordered thoughts and/or behaviors related to food and your body? How did Ed grab your attention? What age were you? Was it a gradual progression?
This will have to be in list format, because there is so much:
- My sisters weren't allowed to eat junk food, because they were always deemed "chubby" by my mom and dad. They stuffed me with Devil Dogs, because I was skinny. I started sneaking them, because I knew I shouldn't have more than one. I started sneaking other food. This was all before the age of 10. My sisters did it too.
- After dinner, while the family watched prime time TV, we would all sneak into the kitchen, over and over, grazing on desserts and snacks, before bed. We all pretended not to notice each other.
- When I was in middle school, I noticed that everyone else's stomach looked flatter than mine. I always had a pudgy belly, even when I was skinny. I snuck over to CVS, and bought Slim Fast, which I hid in a kitchen drawer. I couldn't stick to the diet. I tried. I binged. I was probably 11.
- In 7th grade, I rapidly grew giant breasts. Boys and girls made comments and teased me. I was miserable. I didn't fit into clothes, and I knew everyone was staring at my chest, all the time. I was so embarrassed, and felt so oversexualized, at a very young age. I wanted to hide, but I couldn't.
- I got a breast reduction, in high school. I felt much more confident, but I still felt fat.
- I was terrible at sports, and I felt like I wasn't as good as anyone else, at anything physical.
- I fell in love with a boy in high school, who liked all of my friends, better than me. They were all skinny. I was "average." I hated average.
- My sisters and I would stay up late, and after my parents went to bed, we would raid the pantry. This was in high school. We always hid our eating, from my parents. Still do.
- In college, everyone ate. We ordered pizza, gorged on cookies, ate in our bedrooms. I gained 20 pounds. My parents commented.
- Over the summer, a friend was selling Herbalife supplements. I jumped on board, buying shakes and vitamins. I still binged on fat free food. Pretzels, entire loaves of bread, etc. I still lost weight. I was sneaking food. Isolating. I was depressed. I kept eating, then not eating. I kept avoiding being social, so I wouldn't have to eat. I lost weight. I felt good. I kept avoiding. It was a terrible cycle.
The disordered eating and disordered body image, were always there, but Ed didn't truly grab me, until I was in college. By 20, I was in his dysfunctional lair. It was a gradual progression, in that it was always there, but rapidly got worse, when I became an adult. Now< I am so deep in this codependent bullshit, and I feel like I am being imprisoned by Ed. I feel like I am so under his spell, that I can't seem to come up for air. My rational thoughts, are not even my own. I feel like I am at a crossroads. Stay addicted to Ed, or jump into the arms of a loving, Higher Power. Of course, I would choose the latter, but HOW??? HOW does one break up with Ed, and leave him behind for good.
On a totally different note, K and I are leaving the kids with my parents, and going on a one night vacation to Boston. I can't wait. Just a few hours, and I'll have a 24 hour break from the kids. I need this, so badly.
More tomorrow, I hope.