I totally realize that I probably have 20 versions of this exact entry in here, but I feel I need an honest list of current triggers, so I can commit to not eating them.... Here goes:

• Animal crackers
• Bread (especially with cheese)
• Granola bars (though I can eat Fiber One bars, mostly because I know that eating more than 2 will shred my stomach)
• Cereal
• Chocolate
• Energy bars
• Crackers
• Coke Zero (or any diet soft drink)
• Baked Chips
• Oatmeal (sometimes...)

Okay, here is the crazy thing. A couple of weeks ago, I bagged up all the excess trigger foods, and gave them to a food bank. Score, right?! Um, then I waited a few days, and bought them again. I am powerless...

Trigger situations:

• Eating in a restaurant
• Eating at someone's house
• Dinner.

Okay, the first 2 are things I think I will eventually have to learn to deal with, but the reality is, I don't need to do those things on a daily basis, so I can't even think about them right now. Dinner is a huge issue. Here is the routine: Eat a sensible dinner. I even measure it. One serving. That's it. During cleanup, grab a small treat. Then another small treat. Still feel in control. All is okay. Then, we put the kids to bed. Eat more. And more. And more. Then, suddenly, I am tallying up the calories, and they are close to 3000. I freak out. I weigh myself. I go to bed, thinking of what diet I should go on, tomorrow. How will I control myself? 

So, okay. I think I need to break this down a little, and just lower the bar. I need to create some baby steps. Here are a few things I can do, today:

• I will not drink Coke Zero.
• I will not have that "small treat" while I am cleaning up dinner. Instead, if I am still hungry, I will eat more dinner.
• I will not eat snack food at night. If I am still hungry, I am going to try eating meal food. There is never ever enough snack food, to make me satisfied. I just eat it until I am either about to explode, or until it's gone.
• I will not weigh myself at night.

I think these seem like logical first steps. They are small and reasonable. I can manage them.

People often give me ideas and pointers, in their notes to me. I love the notes. They go something like, "Brush your teeth after dinner!" Or "try eating one cookie and savoring it!" Well, these are great pointers, and I really appreciate them. Only, my willingness is crap. I know all the tricks in the book! But doing them? Following directions? Choosing not to binge? Choosing not to weigh myself? Choosing not to weigh my food? Choosing not to track my calories? These are CHOICES! To get well, I have to make good choices,and I am not doing that. That's how I know this is truly my disorder. I am not willing to do the next right thing. Today, I can accomplish those 4, small tasks. If that's all I do, then I will consider today a success.