I had a long conversation with Alex and now I feel great...I'm completely over it...like for good..Heres the conversation :D (anything in perenthesis is stuff I'm adding for your clarification)
Me
hey howd last night go? (he went out with his friends for the first time in a while and for the first time since he's been single)
Alex
it was fun, but uneventfuL
ME
how uneventful?
Alex
didnt dance with anyone
Me
why do I not believe that
Alex
u should
Me
why not? what fun is a club if you dont dance with anyone?
Alex
too nervous to actually ask anyone
Me
aww why
Alex
cuz im me
Me
:/
Alex
well, i realized im not looking for random hookups and makeouts and shit
Me
you realized?
Alex
?
Me
I thought you already knew this
Alex
yea, but i fooled myself into thinkin that i sorta wanted that. thats y i was ecited about teh club. im stupid i know
Me
you're not stupid
you've been dating for four years and now ur single
its kind of normal to think you want to just be a man hoe and stuff
Alex
i guess, but i realized last night...i wanna date again
im srry if this hurts you, but i realized that i have moved on...
i cant wait to fall in love again, you know?
Me
well I guess i expected that (ok so right here I felt like a stab in the heart and almost teared up a little)
Alex
im sorry
Me
yea I know
Alex
r u ok?
Me
its hard but I've mostly moved on too
its just a shock (here I realized I'm not upset...it really is just a shock and a little sting because I mean hey the guy I loved for 4 years told me he he's over me basically..that shit stings..but then I realized...I've been over him)
Alex
i no it shocked me too
Me
I kind of thought me and you would eventually work out because you said you'd stay and fight (this little detail is something I've always kept in the back of my head..the reason I kept holding on to him...the reason I always thought we'd eventually get back together)
Alex
but like, when i was happy that you were getting close to Daniel, i realized that i have moved on
Me
yea
I get it (I was smiling here because he mentioned Daniel)
Alex
i know i said id fight, but idk...
Me
I get it
Alex
things changed, we both know that
Me
you don't love me anymore
I understand (ok here I sound like I'm guilting him...I wasn't..its the cold hard truth and I just put that out there..I wasn't upset in the slightest...i really understood and accepted it)
Alex
thats not true
Me
yes it is Alex
Alex
im always gonna have a place in my heart for you (yea buddy but its not the same place but thats ok)
Me
Alex lets not kid ourselves
Alex
but idk if i will ever wanna be in a relationship
Me
if you loved me
then you would not move on this fast
I just feel really dumb for stilling holding on
still*
I'm not mad (I honestly was just like wow...I wasn't holding on because I loved him...I was holding on because I was scared to let go)
Alex
im sorry, i feel like i strung u along
Me
you kind of did
you could've told me earlier
but I get it
Alex
i didnt reaize until last night
Me
it's ok Alex
really
I'm actually ok with this
Alex
ok
Me
I'm just sorry we didn't work out
Alex
as am i
but at least we can still be friends
Me
yea
definitely I wouldn't want to lose you
I still consider you one of my best friends you know that right?
Alex
i know, u too
Me
I feel better now
Alex
rele?
Me
yea
Alex
im glad
Me
can I be completely honest with you?
Alex
sure
Me
I've been feeling like this for a while...not loving you in the same way I used to
Alex
because we both have been moving on
Me
whats been hurting is the fact that I can't seem to let you go
thats whats been holding me back
the fact that i'm scared
I don't know how to not be with you
so I've been holding on to this hope thats we'd get back together
but you saying that you''ve moved on
lifted a weight I guess you could say
Alex
im happy to hear that
Me
yea
Alex
i think we can both finally be happy and move on...
Me
yea we can
it was a great four years with you though....I've learned a lot now we can make new and even better memories
Alex
exactly, and i will always remember our time together
Me
of course
Alex
im glad we can have this conversations
Me
me too
I feel a lot better
Alex
im happy
Me
me too
Alex
so hows life
Me
pretty great actually
now can I completely honest with you? I didn't want to tell you before because we were still kind of unstable but now I feel I can tell you
Alex
anything
Me
Daniel and I are sort of together...its not like an official thing but we've been seeing each other kind of
Alex
...how so? im confused lol
Me
we're like seeing each other but theres no titles
Alex
have u guys hooked up?
or anything?
Me
its not hooking up...cuz we genuinely like each other but yea we've been "hookingup" I guess you can say
Alex
ur being very like, vague and uncertain
Me
ye
thats how me and Daniel are
there are no clear lines about anything
Alex
do u guys make out?
Me
yea
Alex
anything else?
Me
yea..
Alex
like...
Me
umm....I feel awkward telling you...
I'm not sure how you feel about this
I don't want to hurt you
Alex
u can tell me
Me
Alex...I just don't want to hurt you
Alex
u wont
Me
I know you've said yo umoved on
but im afraid itll still hurt
Alex
it wont
Me
we've gone all the way...we're dating theres just no titles
Alex
u had sex?
Me
yes
Alex
alot?
Me
thats uncomfortable to answer Alex
Alex
y
Me
cuz
I mean I know we're friends
but like
Alex
alessandra ur not go na hurt me. im surious
this is how im like u know that (he really is he wants to know everything about everyone...hes kind of like a girl in that way)
Me
?
Alex
i like to know these things
im curious
have u guys had sex alot?
Me
depends on ur definition of alot
Alex
do u know how many times?
how long has this been going on?
Me
a few weeks
Alex
how many?
3? 4?
Me
not sure
around
Alex
when did u first do it?
Me
i dont remember
Alex
y dont i believe that
Me
I'm not sure
I really don't remember
Alex
tell me the truth
ur not one to forget that
Me
I can tell you though...I still write everything down
I still dont remember when me and u first had sex
that I dont ever remember im not sure why
Alex
so when was it?
Me
mid march
Alex
so how many times u guys do it?
often?
Me
that I honestly cant answer
its kind of often I guess
Alex
kind of? what do u mean?
Me
some weeks are more than others idk
Alex
estimate?
Me
once or twice a week give or take a time or twoo
Alex
ok. y did u decide to do this?
Me
cuz honestly
I really like him
we had an instant connection when we first hung out together
and it kind of blossomed from there
Alex
kool
im happy for you
i rele am
Me
thanks
Alex
but m gonna go i have some work to do
ttyl
Me
oh ok
ok
Alex
srry its sudden i just remember it lol
Me
talk to you soon
Alex
lol bye
Me
its ok I understand
lol see ya
I'm so incredibly happy...everything worked out.
For the longest time...I've been holding on to hiim because I thought he was still holding on to me...I thought we'd get back together eventually. But, when he told me he was basically done with me...I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders
theres no, "Hey Daniel I really like you and everything but I don't want to be with you exactly because if I get back together with Alex I don't want to hurt you."
Now its more like, "Daniel I'm yours until you don't want me around anymore. You're the only guy in my life that I care about."
It's a freeing feeling. An amazing feeling to not be tied down to something you don't feel passionate about anymore.
I'm so happy.
So Happy
OMG!
I'm over him
Like when I thought about him liking another girl or being with another girl...I part of me was like upset by it..
Now I'm like thinking about him getting married and being happy with someone else...I'm happy for him. That's all. he's my best friend and I'm glad he's happy. That's all I feel.
No jealousy. No upsetness. No pain.
Just happy.
This is great. Now I can fully commit to someone else if I want. No other ties to Alex. No baggage.
I feel like I can finally just do anything I want with nothing holding me back.
And only an amazing guy who pushes me forward.
I'm so happy!
So I'm off to bed good night everyone
*Sandra*
