|Grave I've Been Digging Myself|
I've been really frustrated for about the past two weeks. And it wasn't until about 2 minutes ago that I was able to talk to anyone about it. And before I get into telling you why, there's a little bit of my ugly past that needs to be talked about first.
From the time I was in 7th grade to 9th grade, I cut myself. I stopped last year because my parents found out. It is something that I struggled with, and grew to be very addicted to. And to spare you the overdramatic details, I started because I was being bullied in school because I dressed and looked different from everyone else. And I just started using it with all the other problems I ever needed coping with in life. It got to the point where I was so addicted to it..I did it every night just to release the day's stress, and I grew to like the feeling of it. I haven't done it for about a year.
And Now, I don't know why, but I've had the strongest desire to do it. The fact that I was being so weak and even thinking about it frustrated me, and not being able to talk to anyone about it frustrated me more..
(I couldn't talk to Rebekkah about it, because even though she's my best friend, that's really the only thing she doesn't know about me. I don't have the guts to tell her.
I couldn't talk to Ethan about it, because he just gets really pissed off at me when I bring it up. and he's all "Sidney! I thought you were done with that."
And I couldn't talk to Colton about it because I feel like it would be bad if I told him, and not Ethan.)
So I grew so angry I couldn't even handle it anymore. I didn't cut myself, or anything drastic at all. But I was a straight up bitch. All day today. And I feel awful about it. The worst of it is that the person I was the bitchiest to was Ethan, and he didn't deserve that. He was understanding, and said that everyone has days where they're just not feeling right..I still haven't told him what's up. But, I did tell Colton. We're talking about it right now, and he's a tremenous help...If Ethan asks about it again I'll tell him..I'm just really worried he's going to get mad at me again...It feels so good to get this out. On here and to Colton. Phew.