They say that writing about it is supposed to help. I am not quite sure if I am convinced, but I will give it a try.

I find resolutions very cliche. The reason that they usually do not work is because it is a superficial, and quick solution to problems that have lingered for far too long. The months reset each year, but we cannot reset our lives. All of the trials and tribulations that we faced the prior year, and the years before that, leave a lasting scar on our souls and it is often very difficult to move past it. More difficult for some than others, of course.

Personally, I have given up trying to figure out why some people can face hardship head on, and others can't. There are so many things that go into what makes us who we are that it is too difficult to pin down just one or two things. What I know about myself is that I am one of those people who deal with hardship and setbacks poorly. I've spent years trying to figure out what is wrong with me and what to do to fix myself. The truth is, I don't know and I don't know how to figure it out.

I'm not a very religious person, (read: I am NOT a religious person) therefore, being from the south, I tend to not have many (or any) other recourse. Literally, the advice that I am given 99.9% of the time is the pray about it. Pray, pray, all you have to do is pray. The advice-givers words are synonymous with telling me to put all of my faith in unicorns; that all I have to do is believe in unicorns and my problems will practically vaporize. It just doesn't seem like a very tangible thing for me to do, nor does it seem possible. I don't believe that prayer changes the outcome of what is going to happen. Too many bad things happen to good people, and too many good things happen to bad people, for me to grasp that concept and I simply cannott change my brain to accept what I find to be... well, unacceptable.

Even with all of that said, I WISH that I was a faith-filled person. I WISH that I could pray without feeling ridiculous, not to mention selfish. I WISH that I was like the vast majority of the population, that I could have faith and ignore all of the things about religion that leaves a bad taste my mouth. But, I just don't feel that I have ever been wired that way, even when I was a child growing up with an entire family that believes in God. So, what do I do?

Well, I guess that is what this diary is for. What can I say? I am desperate.