Does it seem like I write in here only when I'm depressed??

I am so frustrated right now. Being home alone with the kids all day makes my nerves fried. My son was no worse than usual and yet I am out of patience. My daughter did well with her homework today and I read to her but I am so down right now. Even my husbands coming home didn't cheer me up. I think it's just those depressive feelings coming to the surface.

I am going to ask my psychiatrist if I can go back on my depression meds when I see him in October. I was on three drugs but I am worried about possible birth defects with two of them. The last drug I was on with both of my two kids births/pregnancies so I am not worried about it. I am going to ask him to up the dosage so all I have to do is take that one drug, the one I am okay with, and make it so it is as powerful as he'll let it be. I NEED DRUGS!!! Haha I sound like an addict. It's just that I know I'm not my normal self. I hate myself for the majority of the day and I know that's not right. I NEED to start feeling better or else I'm just going to cry everyday and get nothing done until after the baby is born. What a mess I'll become if I don't get some sort of help.

Today has been one of dissappointments. My son won't poo on the toilet. Atleast he forgets to, or something. Honestly, I can't figure out why he does use the toilet for all his needs. I honestly don't see why he doesn't. I haven't the faintest idea. Sometimes it makes me want to throttle him. How do you change the habits of a four year old?

I also looked into getting Tosh a preschool program today. That was probably the worst part of today (including the poo pick up!).  So we can't afford a regular preschool for Tosh. It is between 4 to 5 hundred dollars per month. We don't have that money. I took Tosh to get tested for special needs and he does meet the requirements but just barely. THey say he should just be in a regular preschool. I would like that but I can't meet the deadline for the only financial assistance available to us. The local head start might give us a break in tuition but not by much. And I found out today that even if he did get accepted at a rate we can afford, it won't be for many many months due to the long waiting list.

I am soo frustrated just thinking about it. My son really needs help because if he tries to go to kindergarten with all he knows now, they won't accept him. He doesn't know enough. He isn't ever around other children. He doesn't learn quickly. He can't hold a pencil. He eats with his hand in a fist. He doesn't know how to draw, cut or his ABC's. He only knows a few of his colors and can't connect dots. He isn't ready for school and is in my opinion very far from it.

Problem is, I don't think I can help him at home alone. I am his mother but I am not the best teacher. I get frustrated with my five year old just doing her homework. I can't imagine spending long hours with my son everyday, trying to teach him simple things. His attention span is so short. I dunno. Maybe I should just start. Try to teach him all I can at home and hope by some miracle he catches on to enough to make it to Kindergarten.

I have seriously given up on the preschool idea. It makes me mad. At myself, at the situation, at everything. I need some relief but it seems I won't get any before the baby comes. I will have my son with me everyday, all day, until and after the baby comes. No time to myself, no time with just me and newborn baby. I will have a slow-learning, pooper around all day. Man, I sound so mean and ungreatful, don't I? What is wrong with me? I love my son. I just wish I had some time to myself before I have another child. Guess I have to give up on that thought all together.

Now I need to get the motivation to teach my son everyday. I have to sit down with him for learning sessions everday. I somehow have to distract him long enough for him to learn something, and not be distracted by other things every five seconds. This is going to be tough. I really have to find something to motivate me and make my patience last a long time. What kind of things can motivate me to be a teacher of a slower child? UGK I have no idea....

It's just so easy to give up hope when I am feeling like this. I really hope that some drugs will help this but it will be a while before they kick in. The future isnt looking so bright to me right now. Somehow I have to get through this next year.