Dear Diary

I am kinda sick and weak today. its a sunny and cold day,Today is Friday and my kids have no school. So I guess I decided to stay in bed because I feel weak to get up. I really don t look forward to my days Monday Thru Sunday, everything is the same wake up at 7 pray, get my kids up to school, cook breakfast, make snacks and take them to school, then come home, clean and cook. I have no car, and even if I did everyone lives far to visit. I guess I am depressed, specially today another day of arguments with my husband.   I start talking to him nicely and out of the blue he blows up, putting me down and blaming me for everything, which makes me feel like crap, I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out,I felt trapped and no way out and I felt like killing myself was the best for all of us, so no more blame and problems will continue, but then I got out of the bathroom and he followed me to the room and sat down and spoke nicely to me, and for some reason it made me feel better, he promised he would'nt fight at home anymore, which I don't believe you see he drinks, and the fights stem from his drinking and he does not want to get help, I am scared he might die from his drinking, I feel sad for my kids, I am all packed to leave this marriage but the crappy part is I have nowhere to go, I have no money and no car, I have no friends no one to help me, I wish he would change, because I Love him and I don t want to leave my home, I have called the shelters but they tell me unless I am bruised I have no chances of getting into a shelter, I am being verbally abused, but it does  not count, and who would think they would make bullying laws, is not verbal abuse bullying? does not verbal abuse belittle taunt and harass? That is what I do not get still to this day, that is why many wives and children are being killed because the laws think verbal abuse is nothing but drama going on between couples, well its not, its real and it can make you want to kill yourself just like any kid in school feels when they have to go to school everyday and face the same bully. Well I have spoken to his family but they all take it like im am talking bad about him, and i am not I want to help him, but all pleas fall on deaf ears.

I have 6 kids, my oldest one now is serving in Afghanistan he is a marine, I am proud of my kids, they don t drink or do alcohol and they are working towards a good life, and good choices, maybe cause I am like a drill Sargent. oh well cant even spell today. I am Spanish and I consider myself to be a good person, I don t drink nor smoke nor do drugs, and never have, I believe in God, I am not religious,but I respect all religions and all people. I am down to earth and love being busy, I love my kids with all my heart. They are so cute. I come a big family, I am the oldest of 12 brothers and sisters. I talk to my brothers and sisters everyday. I am so happy I found this diary to write on, maybe it will make me feel better jotting everything down. For now I still have to go pray and try to go thru the day trying to keep these 3 kids busy the older ones are gone already I still have 3 little ones, so I have to come up with something to keep them busy, God almighty save me today because I don t know if its because of the stress I feel so crappy today. I am having a hard time moving fast, I have the flu today too maybe that does not helo. BTW yesterday I was praying and I heard a funny noise coming from my turtle tank and I thought my turtle was farting, but she was nt she was either doing a mating call, or was calling out for someone to feed her, I thought it was the cutest thing, I love my bob .. iLL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO WRITTING MORE OF MY SHITTY LIFE!!!